I can no longer take the pain and loneliness that dominates my life. I dont want to race, mountain bike, snowboard, scuba dive, travel, eat, watch movies, have orgasms or do anything else. I have been alone for sooooooooo long. I have no one to share my life with. No friends. No lover. I have tried meetup groups, classes, volunteer work but nothing seems to pan out. I have no connections to anyone. I dont think I’ll ever get to share those special moments that families get to share with each other such as, children being born, family Thanksgiving dinners etc.. Chris McCandless said (wrote actually), “Happiness on real when shared” and I agree.
I pray each day for God to take me instead of someone else that may be able to enjoy life. Innocent people die each day in car wrecks, shootings etc.. Why cant He take me instead of one of those people. I truly dont want to be on this planet anymore. I have read others posts about the fear of death and the bodies strong will to survive. This fear holds me back. I cant seem to get up the courage to do it but I hate here. I am fearful of what comes after but I’m to the point where I dont care how bad what comes after, if anything, is. God, hell, nothing???
I’m afraid of heights so no tall buildings. I want to use a gun but am afraid that it wont work and I’ll be disfigured thus making my life worse than it already is. I’m glad I found this blog. The helium bag is a good suggestion. It seems peaceful, relatively painless, not messy and I wouldnt think it would take that much courage to actually go through with it. If I can find the courage to pull it off I think I’ll donate my meager bank account to my nephews college fund.
My only regret is that I wasnt able to be a warmer husband to my ex wife. I hope she finds a man that can be the husband that she deserves.
I applaud those on here and that I’ve seen on youtube that have actually gone through with it. Your courage and bravery is truly admirable. I only pray that some time soon I will have the stones to do what you all have done.
3 comments
While I agree that it certainly takes some type of courage to bring about your own death, it certainly takes more “stones” to stick around and try to figure this life out. You say you’ve never been alone “this long”, but you didn’t mention how long it has been. If you’ve already been married then you’re already ahead of most people here, someone obviously felt a lot of love towards you and unfortunately it didn’t work out, but there are some people on here who can’t even say that much. What stops you from believing that you’ll meet someone else some day who will love you again?
Just don’t get your signals crossed, you say suicide is brave but I think you know in your case it would actually take more courage to keep fighting and to make something of your life. Suicide, especially the helium method, you need to find courage for 5 minutes to attach the bag and open a valve. You have GSXR in your username, are you referring to a motorcycle? If the “courage” of suicide appeals to you, I’d say a high speed motorcycle death would be more courageous than a tank of helium haha. I’m just being sarcastic here…
I’m very alone too. I made excuses about it for many years, told myself I just didn’t like the same things as other people, or whatever I had to tell myself, but finally I’m just starting to accept, nobody likes me. I can disappear from social networking websites, I can stop texting people, nobody worries about me, nobody asks how I’m doing, nobody wonders if I’m dead. The one person I really loved chose to leave me 6 months ago and I’m still trying to stop hurting over that. Hell, the reason I’m even awake right now at 4am is because I slept through the entire daytime portion of the day, because I have nowhere to go, nobody wants to see, and now I’ve been awake the entire depressing night alone.
Start exercising if you don’t already, do something to change up your look, get back out there and find a new woman. Finding someone special to spend time with usually does a good job at making this mundane world seem a lot more exciting.
@ThousandCuts I could have wrote that two last paragraphs. I don’t know if nobody likes us, as I’m seen as nice and all when I’m around; just they don’t care if I’m around or not. Nobody cares would be a better term.
Have always wondered in the past why so many who actually want to live are taken so soon and many who want to die have to hang around.
The species is a funny thing.
Since we are no longer at the mercy of nature completely, death is a tottally different animal.