Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my birthday, another year older, another year I have failed myself.  I look around me and find emptiness, the walls closing in, the pounding of my heart defing.  I can’t see this light that everyone speaks of, all I have in my world is darkness.  I walk the path of life, ruts, pot holes, and all.  I stubble everyday and grow tired as the darkness invites me to become it’s friend.  I fall into the arms of darkness almost like home.  I try to speak, but all that comes out is gasping breath, dizzy, tired and worn down.  I find comfort in the the darkness, the coolness of the walls, the emptiness of my heart which use to be filled with love, hope, faith, peace, but no more.  My family ripped from my life, my life ripped from me.  I continue the spiral down the well of darkness, the rungs of the ladder have splintered in my hand.  I settle down in the darkness of the well of which now is womb from which I find comfort.  To sleep another night and experience the dizzy thoughts in my head, I can’t.  It scares me to close my eyes and relive my life in my dreams.  The nightmares the struggles against good, bad and evil.  The inner conflict that draws my breath in short shallow gasps.  I can’t take a deep breath for fear my heart will explode.  I can’t wish anymore, for fear of disappointment.  I cry all the time for that is one emotion I have left.  My head hurts, throbs, and pleads for a rest, but I can no longer control my thoughts.  They are beyond me and all I am capable of anymore.  I must withdraw deeper into the darkness, into myself, lose myself, watch the previews of all my failures flash across the scarred walls of the well.  See the sadness I inflicted upon myself, the disappointments, the regrets and all the mistakes.   Happy Birthday you loser!