Everything is a trigger these days. Someone calls me fatass, I want to starve to prove them wrong. Someone calls me pretty, I want to starve so I deserve it. Someone tells me I shouldn’t cut, I want to. Someone tells me I shouldn’t kill myself, that I don’t deserve that, I want to die because obviously I’ve lied to them somehow, for them to think that.
And don’t even get me started on visual triggers. Someone draws something on their skin? makes me want to cut. Someone has a scar, from anything, makes me want to cut. I hate it but there is not a second I am not triggered for something. Even when I isolate myself, because then I get so wrapped up in my mind that I want to cut myself out, literally.
I just want some kind of relief….
2 comments
I am in total agreement. I have been experiencing the exact same way you have! Everything just makes me crazy! This cold urge to just cut! I’ve become so obsessed with cutting that I even “reward” myself with a nice, deep cut. Woke up alive? Here, a nice little tease of blood. Got something to eat? Another little incision. It’s the perfect feeling. The highest-high I’ve ever felt, that just drives me to have more. People have confronted me about it, and end-up thinking I’m insane. (more or less true). I’ve had one person ask me “Why do you cut?” and honestly, I can only answer “It feels good. I deserve it” and instantly they give me “that” look. I’m a hopeless addict to cutting :/
I’ll manage to go a week or two without cutting, but the longer I go without, the worse it is when I relapse. So I’m actually more afraid now of resisting than I am of giving in. :/