It is weird that one thing that is keeping me alive is that I think some people would enjoy it if I did. It is not a far fetched thought, because one of our colleagues killed himself in the past and I have seen friends gossiping and not giving a fuck in general. I was hurt because he was kind of isolated and not very good socially , just like me.
Now that my career is going down hill and seeing these “friends” of mine enjoying every moment of it drives me crazy. I lost my passion to think work or do anything I used to do before as a result of frustration due to failures. I have given up on this world now. We are not matched for each other. What I think is the right thing to do nobody gives a damn about. I lost all of my friends because of this and now I have literally no one on my contacts list to call to.
Anyway to summarize things that are keeping me alive
(a) I don’t want to give the so called “friends” the pleasure of me committing a suicide (b) I owe my family a lot and want to do something for them before I die. I love my father. (c) Seeing other people who has it worse than me (in this forum or elsewhere). I ask for forgiveness from God for thinking about suicide after that. But I feel really awful sometimes.