bitter and embattled

I once committed suicide by drinking a lo of pills but sadly I survived, then I accepted Jesus as saviour and went to live with my Pastor and family, but then his wife started treating me badly. Lost my faith now I’m suicidal again no-one understands what I’m goin through I feel so bitter and embattled got no energy or power left to fight this darkness anymore, I’m not up for this life anymore!! Where is GOD now!!!! I really need HIM to take away my darkness and this sadness!!! Can’t anymore…..really GOD please show me you out there I need deliverance right now!!!