I feel frustrated with myself. Over the years, I have done everything within my power to battle this depression, from medication, exercise and therapy to inpatient treatment. At present, I take my meds daily, practice positive thinking and generally try to keep myself busy.
Why am I still depressed? It feels inescapable and I wonder whether I just have to reluctantly accept that this aching inside of me, the dark cloud that looms over my head wherever I go is here to stay.
I can mask the depression with smiles, I would even say that I try to fool myself, but every night when I get into bed- there it is. And I feel like I just don’t want to wake up in the morning.
It’s difficult, because when I try to express my emotions to those around me, they rather blunty let me know that they don’t want to hear about it. It serves to make me feel even more worthless, and that my feelings don’t matter. I’ve given up on psychologists… I’ve been to so many now, I know the techniques they’re going to give me, what they’re going to say. Besides, finding a therapist would mean asking my mother to watch my son for an hour or so a week, which would inevitably lead to a massive guilt trip. Then she’d tell me to bring him with me… has she ever tried taking an 8-month old to a psychologist appointment? Am I not entitled to have one hour a week where I focus on trying to help myself? I feel inhuman, alone and completely worthless.
It’s hard and I feel frustrated that my partner and son’s father isn’t involved more. You see, for the time being we are living separately… it’s a long, complicated story. He doesn’t contribute financially or physically to the situation and I feel enormously frustrated and alone. I resent him for the fact that he works 2 days a week, spends the rest of his week dicking around and then has the nerve to complain to me that he doesn’t get time to do the things he wants to do because of band practice, or that he’s tired. I love him, but he is incredibly immature and selfish… what I wouldn’t give to have half an hour to sit down and read a book! He has no grasp of what it’s like for me in this situation, to be honest I don’t know if he would really care. He doesn’t bear the burden of responsibility, he’s not the one exhausted from doing <i>everything</i>, so why should it matter? It doesn’t affect him.
I’m hoping that next year I will be able to afford to move out of my parents house and into my own place. Living with these people is driving me insane and it’s not the environment I’d hoped to have my son grow up in. I’m also tired of being treated like a teenager, I think they forget that just because we live under the same roof doesn’t mean that I’m 15-years old anymore. It’s a suffocating environment to live in, but financially I just can’t afford to do anything else… feeling trapped makes me want to cry. I miss having my own space, I miss my independence.
I love my son dearly, but sometimes I do miss having the spontaneity that I once had… and I resent seeing his father living this carefree life where he gets to sleep in, go out whenever he pleases, <i>shower</i> whenever he pleases… just the basic things you take for granted before having kids. Raising the issue of his unfulfilled responsibility with him would end badly.
It’s conflicting, because I don’t dislike being a parent, I dislike living the life of a <i>single</i> parent, all the while he does as he pleases… sometimes I hate him, but then he comes to visit and the little compatibilities between us just seem to override all the things he doesn’t do. Also, I see so many women with husbands who live with them that don’t contribute a damn thing, so I’m inclined to think that it’s not that uncommon, shit as it may be. The women whose partners put in an even share seem to be a rarity.
Over the years, I’ve reluctantly come to accept that the fairytale I grew up wishing for just doesn’t exist. It’s saddening the way the magic from your childhood all seems to fizzle out as you grow older. All I ever wanted was someone I could love, who would love me in return… and we’d have children and share beautiful times together. That all seems so naive now, to wish for something so sugary sweet.
It’s strange for me to let this out… I’m so used to suffocating it all. Depression is so cruel and I feel that it is inescapable. I don’t want to be this depressed person, but I’m honestly at my wits end of what else to do to try and treat the issue. I feel that I’ve run out of options… perhaps some people are just doomed to live with this forever, and I’m one of them?
2 comments
In a way, I know partially of what you’ve been going through…
The uselessness of the treatments and the sadness that overwhelms you and takes control of your life. This dark cloud that follows you wherever you go (Metaphorically of course).
However as I continued to read what you wrote I realized how great you are, that even though you feel so horrible, you still manage to do so much!
You are dealing with things which aren’t easy to deal with even when you aren’t “Depressed” or something of that sort.
First of all it’s extremely hard to fight depression. Secondly, it’s really hard to raise a child. Thirdly, it’s really hard to deal with an unloving and uncaring companion (In your case – husband / boyfriend?). Fourthly being in a difficult financial state is hard for everyone.
The fact that you manage to do all of these is incredible. I think that you need to stop and realize how much you AREN’T worthless as you say. You are incredible! Remember that!
In addition to that, if you have issues with your relationship with your husband then try to talk to him and explain why it’s hard on you. That you wish for him to help.
If he agrees to do that, things should be easier. However if he disagrees you should explain to him the situation carefully, and tell him that you need someone that would help you both physically (taking care of your child) and mentally (listening, comforting) and if he isn’t interested then you don’t want him to be a part of your life anymore.
To be honest, I don’t know if this advice is good or bad. I believe that if I were to be in your situation this is how I would act. You shouldn’t give up on your dreams. Many people settle for something they don’t want because they don’t think something better is possible. In fact, most people do that.
I don’t think you should give up on your dreams, since giving up on your dreams leaves more room for depression.
Anyhow, I think you are incredible and you shouldn’t feel worthless. I know it’s hard to convince yourself that it’s indeed true… But please try. Try to realize how much you are dealing with and how well you manage to deal with it.
Why are you being a doormat and letting your partner get away with that? I don’t think its so rare for a guy to contribute. There are good guys out there who want to be a real man and real father. How can the little compatibilities that you feel with this guy possibly overshadow all the ways he is failing. I would love to be in love with a woman and care for a child together. Sounds like you found yourself a bum. Find someone better! You’re already practically a single parent you can handle it while you find someone who wants to make an effort.