Death haunts me.
I’ve kids that I am close to and who I see regularly. A faithful and loving girlfriend. A loving family. A great job that I love. People who value me.
No one who knows me would believe the thoughts that I surpress. Â The anxiety I feel cripples me. The emotions that I show are hollow. Guilt and self-loathing haunt me.
What I desire is annihilation. Numbness, which I partly achieve it through secret and not-so-secret drug use (alcohol, anti-depressants, diazepam, cocaine, weed, ecstasy, speed). Too many rely me. The only way I could express my true feelings would be through suicide. I’ve survived suicidal relatives, and cannot inflict such unhappiness on others. Especially my kids.
I feel restless. Unhappy. Self-loathing. Frustration. Vulnerability. A feeling that I am lying to those I love most.
3 comments
damn, i thought if i had somebody who needed me, and loved me everything would be all right
i feel the same as you do, i just don’t have anything, or anyone
The guilt and the shame never leave me. It’s what drives me and eats away at me. I feel a little better having told someone – even if it is someone who I will never meet. Thank-you deathblooms.
Can I help you in the same way that you have helped me? Tell me how you feel?
i feel the same,i have a family who cares for me but i dont realy show emotion anymore its almost like ime no one. i dont conversate ime just here ,i realy want to end this bullshit but for some reason i keep hanging on in there each day is hell your not alone brother