i guess thoughts o f suicide have never been far away all my adult life
Grew up in a dysfunctional family which contributed to me never really having friends. Stumbled around drunk & drugged through late teens and early twenties.
Years go by, I function, work, stopped using any drugs and cut back on the booze. Worked, cleaned myself up and learnt to appear a regular guy… Met lots of people through work and had brief relationships but nothing ever stuck and I never seemed to form lasting friendships…
About three years ago through a set of stupid circumstances all my own making I faced financial ruining, on the brink of losing my home, made redundant and had huge debts… Â This was the point I felt the strongest most urgent wish to kill myself… Â But an odd thing happened – I found this stubborn streak inside that made me think “No. Life can break me but I won’t break myself”… Â I struggled and struggled and had this completely unrealistic idea of starting my own business… it made no sense, I had only debts – no money… and tax people etc were literally banging on my door and threatening me with court action. But a few people – who I hardly new – gave me advice… and one person gave me some help.
Some how it actually happened, I got clear of enough debt to give me a breathing space, found people to invest and I opened my business 6 months ago and so far its doing okay.
So that great. But here is the thing – having, for pretty much the first time in my life, actually achieve something, rather than feel any sense of fulfilment or happiness, all I feel is how alone I am and how there is no one to share this with…
And now, the thoughts of suicide are back… Â I just see years of work and loneliness ahead…
Just want it to close.
5 comments
No giving up! You know what, if you think positively, positive things happen. Everyone wants to share their sorrow, but firstly they need to trust and they need a person with a ‘smile’.
Then they will be ready to listen to you, too.
Think once, someone comes to you with a smile, friendly, listens to you, supports you and cares about you… Wouldn’t you be willing to help that one?
I suggest you to wear those pink glasses, cause the black won’t work 😀
Maybe you could try joining a hobby group for hiking, yoga, or meeting other entrepreneurs. You may find that your life is more fulfilling being around lots of people.
hope4itall – yep, I should probably do something along those lines – but right not I feel so flat I can’t see myself doing it
also, really I’d be happy for it all to just come to a close.
I feel like I made an enormous effort to turn financial/work life around and then I found things are still just empty
I know exactly how you feel, but you can do this! I am where you were 6 months ago only I have hit rock bottom. I have suffered with anxiety/depression/suicide most of my life. The first time I was only 7. I tried again at 14. I used many unhealthy methods to cope, smoking, alchohol, drugs, cutting, bulemia. At 21, I decided to let all of these crutches go…my anxiety and depression went through the roof! I wanted the pain to end. I cried all the time, thought about death incessantly, couldn’t sleep, and had terrible tremors. Eventually I found the right medication to help me.
This year I decided to get off it.Another mistake! I was in grad school, in the middle of a divorce, had just found a new wonderful relationship, and was also dealing with emotions of missing my 3 year old son. Yet, for some reason I thought I was good enough to come off them. During exams I hit a brick wall and could not finish them. Again, I was trembling, insomnia, vomiting, racing thoughts, crying. I was falling apart. Although my gpa was high enough to withstand a few Fs, now I will not have enough money in student loans to finish school. Also, my medication levels are back to what they were but my suicidal thoughts are still there, I am still trembling, racing heart, tingling in my hands and arms, heaviness in my chest. To boot, I have $100k in debt, no job, and no degree to show for it. My life feels over.
the only thing keeping me going is my son. I cannot imagine how sad he would be to never see me again. However, I don’t think I will make it to his next birthday. I am living some days with my mom, some with my ex, and some with my sister, but this is not sustainable. Eventually I will probably end up a homeless, toothless crack whore…which is why I want to die.
You have so much more to look forward to, so put your big boy pants on and find something that makes you happy. You never know, you may meet someone special too.
hope4itall – thanks for sharing all that, amazing post
I will try – I know there are plenty of people up against way more obstacles than I am
and I really, really hope something good comes your way soon – for you and your son