Life story? I guess… Severed all ties – phase 1

I know it’s long. Short version is at the bottom.

I don’t even know why I came here… I pretty much know what I plan to do, and more or less why to do it. I guess I want to let my story be known anonymously to somebody. Part of the issue of not being to tell people is the reason why I’ve cut ties with my family (which I will discuss here) – and thus going to a cycle of alienating those who may have been willing to care in the first place.
So my method of choice – in keeping with my lifes choices – I have decided to be entirely brutal. In order for it not to be branded a suicide – because I don’t want those in my family and those that I’ve loved to have any idea that it was my weakness and inability to cope with them behaving in the manner that they did towards me – I am going to take my motorcycle and wreck it at a high rate of speed into something like a semi truck, or other stationary, unyielding object. It is not my intention that innocents be hurt, so I will do this as safely as possible, perhaps at a very late hour.

So I’ll now expand a little on who I am, and why I want to do this.

I’ve always been depressed, ever since I was very very young… At least I believe it was depression. I distinctly remember at a very young age, 5 or 6 or so, threatening suicide with a knife. I was put in counseling with my brother, and I don’t recall whatever came of it. I also distinctly recall, from ages 8 onward, wanting to kill myself by stabbing myself but I was always too much of a coward to do so. I had a rough childhood, school was a tough place, being quite an accomplished student – but being too much of a smart ass for the popular athletes (I was one of the youngest in my grade, and even though averaged size for my age, one of the smaller in the class. I was never exceptional at athletics – in an exceptionally athletic school) – and too much of a dick for the ‘nerds’ – I didn’t fit in that well. In high school I realized that I was decent looking, and had my first few sexual experiences with girls. It was nice, new, exciting, and I was hooked.

After high school, I wanted to be out of my town. I didn’t want to go to a nearby university, and I didn’t want to get a dead end job in the town, so I decided my only way out was to join the military. I picked the toughest route, and I did exceptionally well there. I was an E-5 by the time I got out. However, while I was in there and away from home (both in different states, and at war) I realized that my family had all but forgotten about me. Noone came by to congratulate me when I made it back the first time, and only my father did the second time. No one in my family had been in the military (parents generations) and my cousins were all too young. So, long story short – I was incredibly homesick and realized that noone even noticed that I had been gone… Not really. I continued doing my best to pick up girls but around an all male base, it was very difficult to meet unmarried women – and something in my set of morals told me not to have sex with married women… It’s just who I was.

So I got out of the military and partied a while with the money that I had saved up. It was at this time that I met the only girl that I have ever loved, or will ever loved. She was great. Smart, beautiful, into the outdoors, and into almost everything exactly that I was (from lord of the rings to star trek to math). We were of the same religion – which was very important from her standpoint.

The relationship went incredibly well, we moved in together after about a year, I was just starting school, and I had paid for her last semester or so. This 2.5 year period was the only time in my life when I’ve been happy. I loved being with her, her family accepted me and I felt like one of them, for the first time actually having a real family… It was awesome. Things with my family had improved somewhat, as having a girl of her caliber almost forced my family to see me as successful…. Or perhaps they just didn’t want to be themselves for fear of having her call them out on how crappy that they were.
Fast forward to the end of the relationship, mostly it was caused by me getting overly comfortable, taking a semester off of school after being kind of bored wiht it, and just at an inexplicable low point. Oh also I told her that I wasn’t sure that I believed in God anymore. Yeah it was pretty stupid of me. Didn’t take too long before she and I split, her family helping her to move and find a new place, mine providing the normal financial and emotional support that I’d have expected… zero. This was two years ago.

In the last two years, I’ve graduated college, getting a good degree – and all the while working in my field. In the last year I’ve been doing some very high paying work, making well over the 100k mark, but working insane weeks (not bad for a guy of 27, eh?)… Got a house, and everything seemed to be going great.

Except it’s not. I don’t want to go into too much detail – because I want plausible deniability, but we can say I had a bad night of drinking which may or may not have been with this girl… I may have spoke to my father late on this night after being incredibly drunk and snubbed incredibly hard by this girl – it’s like she invited me in only to give me the cold shoulder… I was trying to bare my soul and tell her how no matter how successful I’ve been (and I’ve been VERY succesful, both in picking up random girls and in making money) I haven’t really been happy, and I wanted to see if she felt the same. But I didn’t get to, we were interrupted by one of her guy friends, and she ended up ignoring me to hang out with him and some others in their little clique. I went home alone that night, adn that’s when the incident happened. After speaking with my father, he contacted her and told her I was threatening suicide! Which I had NOT done. So she and her mom called me the next day – which I didn’t answer. This was the ultimate betrayal on my fathers part, so I have severed all ties with him. And since I figured I may as well sever ALL ties, I dropped my email accounts that my family knew, I changed my number, I deleted my facebook and any point of contacting me that my family has. And since they have my home address, I am moving and simply going to rent this house out… This is all an interim process until I off myself.  So I guess now you guys have the how and why.

SHORT VERSION: Girl broke heart. Can’t get over it. Got together with her, just to talk, shot down again in a most horrid way. Confided in father, betrayed trust – can’t trust anyone anymore and won’t love again (though I’ve tried) so I’m going to end it.