My life is great. I want to die.
I’m male, 30s, in great health, financially successful. Friends, girlfriends, everything great.
On the outside, I’m happy, well-adjusted, positive, caring and cared for.
But nothing has meaning for me. Existential questions fly in my head every second. What’s the point of this, what’s the point of that? Every job, every conversation, every action I take… it all seems so utterly pointless.
I feel empty inside. No motivation to do anything, since nothing has any meaning. Colors don’t shine, it’s as if a cloud of smoke is everywhere, and the world is grey. Small-talk drives me insane, sports and hobbies don’t interest me, every activity I do seems just another useless action to kill time until I die, just a distraction from the long tedium that is life.
I envy people who believe in religion for the anchor it gives them in the storm of existential questions, but it doesn’t work for me.
I have no idea what to do with myself because nothing really matters. I kind of think that I need to do something earth-shattering, log an amazing accomplishment that will be revolutionize the world and lead to never-ending adulation from others, because then I’d have some feeling of accomplishment and meaning. But I know that no matter what I do – win a gold medal in the Olympics, get elected President, invent a revolutionary technology and become a billionaire, whatever – none of it will matter to me because nothing is good enough to create any meaning for me.
That thinking haunts me in everything I do. Because there is no meaning, then nothing is good enough for me … so I do nothing. No city is good enough, so travelling has no pleasure. No girl is good enough, so I’m never satisfied with any relationship. No job is good enough, so I never dedicate myself. Nothing can be good enough, because nothing gives meaning, nothing I’ve found creates any sense of purpose.
In my head is a constant storm of these thoughts. It never stops. So I’m always depressed, even when I’m acting positive and happy with people. I search constantly for some anchor in this storm, something to hold on to that will give me purpose and meaning… but there’s never nothing.
I thought that gradually with age, education, success, money, relationships, that I would find answers. But I never do. And it only gets worse with age, because it becomes even more obvious that there are no answers, that life is utterly meaningless, and that I am becoming more and more depressed by it all.
In fact, the luckier I’ve been – with work and money, with relationships, with life – the worse I feel, because I can see that objectively I have a great life but despite that I’m increasingly depressed.
So I’ve thought a lot in the last year about suicide. It stops the never-ending storm in my mind, finally ends the unceasing questions about lack of purpose and will free me from the pain of my self-torture.
I haven’t done it yet because it’s so final and I’ve been hoping for hope. But with each passing day and month, it’s more and more clear that I will never find an answer which works for me and that suicide is the only path which gives relieves me from the storm of existential questions.
I’d love if anyone has thoughts about this. Felt like life is pointless and suicide the only option, dealt with existential angst and somehow found a solution, whatever it may be….
29 comments
Find something or someone you can throw yourself into completely, something you feel passionate about, something that means a lot to you. If you acknowledge that your life is great and don’t understand how you feel you might have mental health issues, something you can’t prevent, but something you can control with proper help, see your doctor, he could refer you for some counselling to look into your problems and you may gain a better understanding of why you feel the way you do. Hope this helps, sorry if it doesn’t.
Hi Rosie (RosieLeigh?):
Thanks for your comment. Unfortunatly, there’s nothing that I feel passionate about, nothing that means a lot to me. I feel like a zombie – nothing matters to me, and I walk as if in a dream, blandly staring at people and wondering why they bother to continue with their meaningless lives.
I’ve worked with therapists. I’ve tried medicines. Nothing changed. Platitudes, positive stories, etc, don’t help. Maybe I’m depressed, but to me it seems more like acceptance. I’m resigned to the fact that there is no meaning in the world, my life will have no point… so I’d prefer to end the tedium and storm of existential questions by killing myself.
Do you Love your girlfriend? Cant you love her and make her your focus?
What if everything you had was gone tomorrow?
Would you feel any different?
Cheers
Either name is fine. I’m sorry you feel that way and nothing has worked for you, i genuinely am. If you choose not to go through with it i hope you can find meaning in your life.
Let me tell you a little story:
There was a young man in this story. And he was handsome, he was smart. Every day he ran everywhere: to his job, to the gym, at home, practically everywhere. One day somebody stops him and asks him: “What’s the rush, man? What are you running for?”
And he answers: “I am looking for happiness!”. Guess who that somebody was? Happiness! 🙂
Point is, in itself, life is meaningless, existence is meaningless, this fucking universe is meaningless, if you know what I mean. Your life’s purpose is what purpose YOU give it.
Perhaps you should slow down and learn to appreciate what you do have, the people that do care about you. Learn to cherish every moment with the people that love you. Happiness isn’t permanent, it’s only relative. Now you have, tomorrow could be gone.
*have it 🙂
I, like you, suffered this same strange disconnect.
I found a path out of the haze.
I wrote about it in a post called:
the Switch
Search for it, maybe it will help.
OM shanti
Yeah and what’s your purpose? To tell people to go kill themselves?
“every activity I do seems just another useless action to kill time until I die, just a distraction from the long tedium that is life.”
“I search constantly for some anchor in this storm, something to hold on to that will give me purpose and meaning… but there’s never nothing.”
disillusioned observer looking for clarity/answers & a meaningful purpose in this foggy, confusing world
I’ve been feeling this way for 5-6 years (I’m 24) .. and since there’s no cure to this, I feel like I have to keep going hoping (1) I’ll get answers in time and (2) my purpose will reveal itself to me .. I try to have faith in the universe even though I’m more of a logic-oriented person
Are you asking me what my purpose is Justme?
ps: I know what you mean by ‘the world is grey’
I often ask myself: how am I supposed to enjoy life when everything looks grey ? what to do when you feel dispassionate and disconnected ?what pleasure do people find in doing the same things over & over again ?
We are not in the kingdom of paradise.
So never the PLACE we seek for, spiritual joy.
It’s only in our HEART.
Good and bad co-existing.
We are to one day escape from THINGS not ever satisfying.
But if to ever escape from even ourself, then we’re doomed, and to be trapped within the forever of THINGS that dominating !
Things we see dominating, are real of PHYSICAL sensed.
But it’s become SURREAL when the time we can WALK all over and SMILE with ease !
PEACE as in our domain whenever own spirit is there flaming in charge.
Stretch your hand forward.
What can it mean ?
Longing for help, or to help ?
Physical pain to end, or spiritual joy to begin ?
It’s just choice then, in so-called life one has to maneuver !
But one thing certain than, your spirit the master shall dance ALL THE TIME, either good or bad the underling physical body has to endure.
So, are you successful in life, yet, in the game of master and slave !
My english sucks….but
I’ve almost read the other coments. And i don’t know if they are right – wrong whatever. You should stop thinkind about the meaning. Life is passing by. If you are going to find a meaning for life later you wouldn’ t be sorry if all your life is allready gone? Suicide is a sign of weakness. In my opinion only sick pople do that. I don’t think you are. You should enjoy yourself, live your day like it’s the last one. Maybe it’s no point of all of this, but you got to take advantege of life. Be greatefull for life. It doesn’t matter if is no point of life. You still should live it. You now have a chance to know pople, to enjoy yourself (with or not meaning) to descover whatever we have on this planet. I don’t like ppl very much, but some of them make me smile, make me belive in love, make me feel loved. That it’s a great feeling. Just enjoy the smile of a kid on a street, make mistakes, to stupid things, observe nature etc. Try to do things to see that life matters, help people etc. If you don’t do anything ofcourse the meaning it doesn’t reveal itself, and you will become more depresed. I have a problem myself, i try to find out almost everyday how ppl are, why they act this way and i can’t help it. Hope you don’t think about the meaning of life in the shower like meïŠ
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Dude i like the suicide project. Not everybody can do this, at least not me. Its kind of cool. If you really want to do something with your life, you do. Nobody can help you if you dont want to. You should try all the advaces. Make a list. Serch answers. just dont kill yourself, i would really want to see a post of how your life became great. People that does not know you care about you. Thats woow.
sry for my english
I googled my symptoms and found myself here and was taken by your letter. I want to share a thought, although that complete lack of motivation has got hold of me again – and I am 64. I want you to know it is endurable. It doesn’t stay at the same degree of hopelessness decade after decade. I know this even though I agree with you that jobs/people/success/money are meaningless. I have had decades of interest, fascination, love, sadness, aspiration, creativity and joy and even though I’ve come back to a very difficult state of mind for a reason I haven’t figured out yet, experience has taught me that I won’t stay here. Nothing stays the same, THAT I know for a fact.I think you are blessed to feel the way you do . . . so long as you leave the question open – “WHAT is the point” rather than deciding from the very limited perspective of a human being that there IS no pointWhen I was younger than you (you said you were 24) this state blighted my school days and I drifted into situations that I look back on with a mixture of regret but also acceptance. Those life choices, which were actually a lack of choice, have only made later years less fulfilling, more difficult. Countless opportunities were missed – from repeating to myself “What’s the point” and I find the regret over this hard. Though I think of this life as a dream, one we wake up from at some stage, some dreams are more pleasant than others.At 24 you have a lot to experience and learn from – suicide means you don’t get to discover possibilities you can’t even dream of at the moment. Even feeling as low, without spirit, tired, lacking joy as I have done a few times over in my life, suicide is not an option for me. Each suicide makes several people very unhappy – maybe even the whole world is affected by the futility of it. (You know all those theories that demonstrate how all life is connected.) The closer a person is to the person who cuts off their life, the more sadness they feel, for the whole of their lives. These are people who DO feel motivation, DO see a point, DO love their families and jobs, communities etc, feel success and achievement. A suicide is such a grey shadow on their joy. For a person like you or me who doesn’t have their own sense of purpose, at least we can adopt the purpose of staying alive so as not to cause anyone else to suffer.I say live with the question. Wait. I got my answer and I know there is a purpose. Like you say, it is not about all those aspects of life that pass with death. It is about that true hunger that you seem to be blessed with. Meanwhile, LIVE, as best you can.
Zapffe,I must say your written word is very clear, good job on that.Unfortunately, I share your view and you are right about everything you wrote. If one looks objectively, there is really nothing into this world. Everything is a product of vanity, greed, selfish desires, and maybe a little bit of love toward others (not your blood). It has no meaning and joy unless you have some craziness, some delusion, whatever it may be, to help you go through it (as Woody Allen says).But, there are distractions that could help you go through. Did you ever try fishing? This is my delusion that helps me move and gives meaning. It is a great feeling of joy when you hook a beautifull fish on your hook, and lots of adrenaline when you fight it. You never know how big it is, or how many you will catch that day. And it is certainly admiration when you land it and see how beautifull it is. Even if you don’t catch anything, you enjoy a day on the water in the scenery. It makes my life meaningful, that’s why I don’t want to move out where there is no salmon. You can not know if you never tried it. Hook a big fish and tell me you didn’t like it and I will leave you alone:)Another thing that may give you meaning is helping other people to relieve their suffering and pain. If you live in the west, then you may not know that there are many people and kids who need help in other parts of the world. Educating those people will help reduce their selfishness, corruption, overpopulation. I heard that in the poor areas where young girls got a chance to be educated, the birthrates are reduced. It will make you feel better temporarily when you help another human being in need.Another thing is fighting for justice.Another one is moving to another country (immigrating) where nobody knows you, where you will be forced to fight for your life and thus grow, and have some joy in it.Last few as you may note involve risk. But there is no meaning without risk since the only way we appreciate life is when we risk it or fight for something. And fighting just for survival is something that nobody should object to you, so you will not be classified as greedy and selfish.Again, you are right in what you said. But there are tricks you can use to go through.
This has appealed to me quite greatly over the last few years. Life is a game with no point. We are all pawns that will be sacrificed in the end, no matter what decisions we make. At least fighting for something you believe in gives you a sense of purpose. True, you may be living an illusion. However, if you fall deep enough into it, the illusion may engulf you in happiness or pleasure or self-satisfaction. Some sort of positive outcome. At any rate, the delusion I’ve decided was best for me was the part of the fool. Relaxed and entertained by the small things in life, pretending every day is a brand new start. Of course I realize how absurd it is every now and then, but I find myself laughing at my predicament. What choices do I have? HahaHAhaha
Hey I know how you feel, I have a great family, friends and a beautiful girlfriend that loves me. The problem is my life is a lie, I go along day by day acting like I’m someone that I’m not. I’ve broken my family into two and even though they still support me after all the bad things I’ve done to them, I still have that in controllable guilt and feel like there’s nothing I can do to prevent it. I let them down big time when all I wanted to do was make them proud. I’m not a bad person but I just don’t know where I went wrong. On the surface outside my family I have amazing friends that respect me and look up to me and I use my sense of cover up to portray myself in a certain alpha male persona but really I’m a weak and fragile being. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I have bbd and hate myself for it. The worst part is I hve the most beautiful girlfriend who loves me to bits, but cause of my own insecurities and bbd I feel I’m not could enough for her and take it out on her by making her feel bad. But I love her so much. I just feel the real world will never accept me. I mean I used to be good looking but now after users of not looking after myself, I hate how I look and so insecure about it. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I’m also financially do in trouble, I have huge university debts and also huge bank debts to. Worst part of it all is I’ve lied to my family so much and I haven’t Ben been able to finish my degree which they don’t know about. I will never get a job and my family will despise me even more. The only thing that really keeps me going is my friends and my amazing beautiful girlfriend. Without them I would be gone already. But even then the emptiness I feel like urself Bout the world and the hopelessness has come to a realisation that there is nothing out there for me to be successful. I’ve always thought if I help others and be a good person then eventually it will be my turn too. But life has shown me that there is no hope and this sadness I feel inside will never go away. I feel stuck in a hole and feel trapped and don’t know how to get out. I just sleep and cry and hope something will happen but as the days go on I too realise that there is nothing out there for me. I wish to die and have the helium hood method set up. I’m just planning my goodbyes. Sending memorable things to loved ones etc etc and then I’m gone hopefully by next week. The last thing I wana do before I leave from this earth is say sorry to my amazing mum and dad and family and spend the final hours with my girlfriend who’s my everything.
and i only wouldnt kill myself becauce , like my family and friends would get effected so i would rather just wait for like when old ae kills me
You people are all completely ignoring what Zapffe said. He says that he feels nothing despite achievement and relationships and hedonic pleasure and you tell him to go find meaning in achievement, relationships, and hedonic pleasure.
Do you even read these things before you post mindless platitudes?
Zapffe, you may want to consider that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. I could have written your entire thread myself. I have everything; health, looks, money, wisdom, nearly unlimited potential, and am adored by almost everyone I meet (People on SP won’t believe that because I’ve been nasty a couple times. That’s just my anguish manifesting itself in ugly ways 🙁 ) However, I am completely and utterly empty.
I get what you mean about asking existential questions about everything, finding no joy or satisfaction in all the other things people pursue, and counting down the days till you’re inevitable death. That sense of emptiness and meaninglessness despite so many good things in your life may point to the same disorder I have.
We’re virtually identical in our thought processes so it would make sense that we might also share the same disorder. There exists a type of therapy that targets hopeless cases like us called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and ever since I got my diagnosis, family has been trying to get me to try it. I can’t vouch for it’s effectiveness personally since I haven’t tried it, but supposedly it’s pretty solid.
I dunno man. Hit up some WebMD sites on Borderline Personality Disorder and see if you fit the bill.
So what are your findings Zapffe? I came here looking for help, as most have. I wish I could help but I’m suffering from the same, maybe not exactly the same way, but I feel my life is being wasted away. I feel my days and years are just passing. Please tell me if you have figured it out or found anything new. Anything can help.
Hey Zapffe,
I began to write a very different reply to you than what you are reading now but after a couple of paragraphs I realized that telling you about the same thing you are telling me wouldn’t have done either of us any good. I to have accomplished feats that most love to hear about but I know what you say when you tell me that it doesn’t make a difference.
So instead of driving both of us further down the hole I’m going to tell you about a few of the joys that I have found in the last couple of years.
1. Lucid Dreaming: you sound like the type of guy who stopped feeling challenged a while ago bro and I know from experience that a life without challenges and purpose can feel like a pit of despair. I could go on and on about what lucid dreaming has done for me but the fact is you’re either going to look into it and find that you’re up to the challenge or you’re going to read this and toss it. If it means anything, its been a constant fight for me that keeps going to bed and waking up from feeling like its one day closer to death.
2. If you aren’t in shape then get there buddy. We can say as much as we want that we have been in great shape at several points in our life and that it didn’t make a difference but it isn’t true for me (at least not entirely). Life is better when your body feels the way it should and in my opinion every time I get back into killer shape again the first thing I think is why do I ever let myself fall back out of shape. For me it make a far greater deal of difference to my mental and emotional health then it does to my physical health.
3. Do not let yourself stay cooked up in your house every day alone bro. In the past ive felt like one almost surefire way to change my mood when I had to was to go to the dog park and have bagel with cream cheese. Just the routine of getting out of my house and out in the sun would help more than I can tell.
It’s a bit late and I’ve got to go catch the last of adult swim but I’ll be thinking about you bro and if you want to ask anything or hear more than you can hit me up any time.
zoo,
I needed your response, so thank you.
Zaqffe, I’m a 27 year old female who makes friends everywhere she goes. I’m the life of the party and I love to laugh. I’m rarely ever mad. One day I woke up and felt empty… everything I once loved met nothing to me. It was pointless… even my views on the after life and what I thought it was like, was just a black empty hole. My thought have been consuming me and I’m drowning in my own thoughts. The pit in my stomach won’t leave and I can’t focus on my work. I know nothing I’m telling you could help you… but before I stumbled upon this I felt alone… alone, and strange…. like I was the only one in the world who felt this way. The only thing that I have felt today has been your post, now I know I’m not alone. But how to get out of this… I’m not sure of. I hope we both can be happy again, you’ll be in my thoughts.
Yes, i have something to say to you, i don’t know whether you will care or that it will help, but it might just make you feel something. 1. everyone goes through life, same shit, others meditate it more, others less… i’ve found thinking to be useful, but too much thinking brigns this sort of ‘existencial’ and ‘meaning’ questions about life which makes everything worse. I’m not sayign we shouldn’t be philosophical, what i’m saying is that there’s a time to stop, (you might need to do that) and that brings me to number 2. maybe you weren’t aways like this? in fact im pretty damn sure i doubt you felt like you feel now when you were 10 yo. bad example because at that time you we’re just a kid? no, not really, it proves that tehre is something, or was at some time, unless ofc you were ALWAYS like this, but i bet thats not true, some event happened in your life that led you to thinka as you are now, you should dig into that, maybe with a therapist, they help, what do you have to lose anyways? 3. i do udnerstand what it must feel like to be YOU everyday… like you said, each passing day a little worse, no meaning, nothing to search for, not even reading for his… but if you ARE reading this you are searching for something arent you? hope? well i havent got all the answers all i have is the will to try to put you into someone elses shoes and maybe wake up. let me give youa clear fuckin example: if you we’re born in africa do you think life would be the same for you? no man, you’d probably be more worried about day to day survival in most cases. and that would keep you going! you see you dont really need much to want to live, just a chnge of prespective. i’ll give you another example, because let me tell you feeling depresed all the time (assuming you’re in this state) is like a political ideal you hang on to for no reason other than this sort of ‘ self-patriotism’ or favorism towards it, dismissing any otehr ideas that are different to yours without consideration. why? because it ends up being like a routine, and once you accustom to it, its hard to see any other ‘POINT OF VIEW’, ANYWAYS the otehr example is, lets say you have alot of information in your cell phone, cotnacts, agended meetings, etc… and all of a sudden you lost it! you lost everything! but… wait, whats that? you feel better now, you have to start over, but its liek a clean slate, no more pressure, yet still somthing to do. so perhaps this last example wont apply to you, because what you’re missing is that ‘drive’, the ‘what to do next’ part because you’ve done gone ahead and done it all right? thats what i read, thats what happened right?…or just how you feel and or want to feel? dont worry its not soemthing you’ll be able to directly answer because what yuo feel vs want to feel is something deep inside you and how you see things now, could get them mixed up or unable to see… but what if instead of your cell phone it was your entire life? what if after you went to sleep tonight, you woke up and instead you we’re in a street somewhere in china (or soemwhere unknown and far away) no documentation nothing… fresh start maybe? well, yes, up to you really. my point is sometimes your unhappiness may be because of what surrounds you, or soemthign from the past, but not just because of how YOU ‘are’… although that does affect the final result in ALL cases. 4. have you considered music? acting? some life-threatening adventure, like parachuting? have you considered taht if you go, you might be harming others more than yourself? im not saying you shouldnt do whtever the fuck you want with your life man, im saying: have you THOUGHT of that? have you thoguht how many people would die to have the life you have? like maybe some people in africa i mentioned earlier. if you have to go i’d at least try helping them out, giv ethem all that you’re about to lose… its amazing how everything is so different from other perspectives. you might even feel something trying, i mean hey, what have you got to lose? unless… unless you’re not really trying because you dont wont to? somethign tells me it might be that case, but then again you did write your story here… ok and 5. lastly, as i mentioned before we all go through the smae shit in life, it just depends on how you take it that makes it feel different. ive questioned myself with millions of things (i like to think alot… too much really, thats why i know), sometimes not even knowing what was my purpose, like you everything was meaningless… but for some reason after thinking alot, i felt something… it was sadness, not for me, but for the people i would leave behind taht had worked so hard to help me, to help me ‘feel’ something, so to speak. i felt sad for those that would miss me, i felt sad for those who like is aid would kill to have my life, and THAT got me out of that depressive state. this might not work for you, im a very emotional person, but its my story… in the end sometimes i dont have time to think what im dpoing in my life, everythign goes so fast… and that sucks, but when i do have time and i dont have motivators… i just dont care, i want to keep on finding until i come up with a great idea, a place i dreamt about and want to gpo to, a feeling lost in my childhood that was so pure. millions of things to relive…after all, routine doesnt neceserily mean a bad thing, we are humans, this is life, a cycle, we repeat through an endless process. planets orbit aorund the sun, until the sun grows extinct and creates a blaxck hole, and this goes on and on…in our everyday lives its the same, we repeat. and trust me some thing its good to repeat, you gotta find the meaning in those, like eating for example ha, just messin on that one. but really. im losing my train of thought here, but i said what i believe i had to. to me its not getting to find something that matters though, its TRYING that matters. even if certain you will absolutely 100% never get it, the trying part is what drive us. when im old and look back at life, i wont care if i live udner a bridge (or so ive said to myself), all i will care about is knowing whether when i had the chance to do something good for me or for whoever, did i try? or did i stand idle?… to me thats life, finding in this precious and UNIQUE irreversible irrepetible (in my opinion) ‘inbewtween’ short time we have to live, to LIVE the most of it, to find a pure feeling, to help, to contribute, to etc etc etc etccccc!!! and in te end after we tried it all and succeded in soem and failed in many others, say… ok, thank you life for this life, thank my friends, thank me… and then you’ll die. in the end we all die anyways so… i dont really get the point of rushing through and missing out on something you could do… but you have to TRY really try, not just wait for things to happen or you will, as you are now, wish you we’re dead. and i know you said YOU TRIED EVERYTHING… no, you didnt, you tried until things got real bad or it didnt work and then decided to quit. thats nothing, some people exceed what you think you ‘tried’ in a day. im not syaing that to bring you down, im saying that to inorm you you havent tried shit until you try every fuckin day, and every fuckin day you dont try you jsut wasted. btw you know who i reffered to when i said people who exceeded what you tried altogether in jjust a day? well, those who tried everyday. exactly… anyways life is a tough journey, might be even more for you, so do as you wish, but perhaps with this, if it did make you feel something, especially if i brought up a BAD sensation, dont think of it as bad, thats actually really good… i cant write why here, dont want to make this any longer, if you want to talk to me go ahead. adios kid!
One more thing, you wrote something about being depressed, that it was more of an acceptance to you, right? well yes, damn right sir, you are accepting to be so, that is why it’s acceptance. you see, ‘REALITY’ can make us lose purpose as i assume it did to you, so you wont find anything there, it is irrationality that gives us little boosts, and you know what? i’m alright with that, fuck reality, as scientifically illogical as is what im about to say, you dont have to live it, and i mean it, because again, it all boils down to the ‘point of view’. think about that. you know what i want to do right now? all those times i was cracking up, dying of laughter i mean literatly about to die if i laughed any longer… well i want to remmember WHY i was laughing and relive that ‘human’ moment… love that shit… little things, irrational, because tehres no need to laugh in ‘REALITY’, but that gives us LIFE!!
I couldn’t believe how much your post resonated with me. I have long since lost all feelings of meaning, passion and joy in my life. It wasn’t always like this. I’m 47. When I was young, I was your typical, “set the world on fire,” type person. When I was 26, for example, I took two years off and traveled the world. Some 30+ countries in two years. I’ve seen more, done more and experienced more than most people do in two lifetimes.
Somewhere along the way it all changed. I have some chronic pain issues. That, and the simple day to day grind of life has just worn me down. The constant work, stress, struggle, etc., to get by…and to find meaning. I’ve always envied those people that knew they wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, even a ski bum. Those that know what they want to do/be in life are truly blessed. Sadly, I’ve never had that or been able to identify it.
In the beginning, I filled my life with activities and people. It wasn’t the solution but more a bandaid. Staying busy and involved was enough of a distraction from the real problem and the emptiness I constantly felt/feel. Slowly, however, the activities and people stopped working. More and more the emptiness and pointlessness of it all became the dominant feeling. There is so very little in life that brings me any joy or real feeling anymore. I’m vastly indifferent about just about everything. When I’m not being depressed that is. The physical pain issues, obviously, don’t help any of this. It wears on me. It can’t be fixed. At least with any of the current technology we have. Who knows though. Maybe one day.
Suicide, however, for me is not an option. I inherently don’t believe in it. I have no earthly idea what the purpose of life is. However, I believe to my core that we are meant to finish. We’re here to learn something and taking ourselves out early isn’t going to get that done. That/this is the point. Specifically, the purpose of life is that we must all find out what our individual purpose is. The purpose or challenge of life is that we must each find a way to make it meaningful. Sadly, nobody else can do this for us.
I’m sorry. I know that none of this is helping you…much like people who say things like, “you need to find your passion.” Well duh. If I could do that, if I had that, the problem would be solved, right?
Anyway, and it’s not much, but I thought if you knew you weren’t alone out there it might help in some small way. I wish you peace.
You don’t care about anyone but yourself. That’s your problem. The only meaning life can have is the one you give it.
Damn, if someone in your position feels that way, then, a fortiori, my desire to end it all is not at all unreasonable. I am forty-eight and a total failure in life. I don’t need anyone to make fun of me or point it out–I am painfully aware of it and I don’t wish to engage in silly denial. Girlfriend? That’s a good one. I am not a virgin, but about 95% of my adult life has consisted of dry spells. Physically I am average and functional enough; that has nothing to do with it. I have had a handful of pointless affairs and never a real girlfriend in any kind of normal relationship. Career? I had the best education and upbringing imaginable, short of royalty, and I have made nothing of it. I am barely able to hold onto a cubicle job that pays about $30K. Time and time again I have botched everything. I live alone, I have almost no friends at all, no social life, no fun. I am so depressed all the time that I can’t read anything for more than five minutes at a time. All I have to look forward to is getting older, weaker, sicker, probably cancer or a stroke or a heart attack. I now realize that despite all the inordinate fuss that was made over me when I was a youth, I am never going to achieve anything or accomplish anything of any value. I am not creative, I have no business or financial skill, no craft skill, no singing or artistic talent whatsoever. It’s glaringly apparent now that I am nothing but a waste of space and I am now just sitting around waiting to die, so why not get it over with sooner rather than later? I will certainly never have a family of my own, whether I want one or not–even if I did somehow get a girlfriend, who was younger and actually wanted one, I could never afford it. So be glad that at least you have money and a girlfriend!
I came to this conclusion years ago; that life has no real objective meaning.
I now read up on nihilism and pessimism (as I feel these philosophies are a natural response to this fucked up life).