Not sure

I sit here so alone and no way to make it go away…..I have no parents and the only family I have is a grandparent. I gave birth to two children who were unaffected by my short comings. I managed to fake it long enough to make them successful people but I can no longer do this. For 23 years I have lived with this horrid pain and I thought I finally escaped it only to have it resurface due to someone else’s actions. I can’t find a way to make this go away again. I cant live with that pain again. To have to carry this again is something I can not do. I want to just fall asleep and never wake again…. I can’t seem to find a way to make that happen. I hold it together on the outside because I dont that person to know they have won but I cant even manage to do that any longer….I hurt all the time just like someone with a terrible disease but am not allowed to end my own suffering and dont know why or how someone can tell me its different…. the pain is real and horrid and I cant take it any longer. I need to find a way to make this all stop and I need help with that. Where do I find that help? how do I get this done ? so many questions and no where to turn