Stuff.

I’ve always been the last to be pleased. I’m the least favorite. I get picked on, yet people still think I’m strong. I have an older sister ( Bekah ) who I’m always compared to. She’s graduating early, already being the youngest in her class. She’ll be 16 when she graduates. She’s on marching band, plays piano fantasticly, Jesus lover, looking for a job, favorite of my dad, liked by everyone, over-achieving boyfriend, & always has a smile on her face. I LIVE in the shadow of her success. And then I have family issues. My dad is abusive, bipolar, rude, horrible. My mom is an alocoholic, drug attic, whore, rude, & everything in between. My brother is a drug attic, alocoholic, rude, & bipolar. I admit it, I’m also horrible. I have diabetes, family issues, I don’t have faith in Jesus, I’m a failure at everything I do. I have tried to commit suicide many times. Even though a friend of mine has died, because she committed suicide. I realize what it does to other people. I’m not doing it for attention, I’m doing because I want to be gone. I want to die. To be alone, in peace and quiet. My brain silenced. During school, I put on a fake smile. I try to be happy. That way I don’t have to share my feelings with anyone I know. I’m fat. I used to get called pregnant. I’m ugly. I feel horrible. My mother’s too sucked in with her boyfriends to notice. My sister only cares about herself & her boyfriend. My dad loves his job too much to even feed us. My brother, just sits in the basement doing drugs with his girlfriend. I feel alone. Like an empty shell. My sister is moving rooms & she gets everything she wants. The best room, the best decor, the best EVERYTHING. While I get the shit ass room. with nothing. She takes my stuff but I don’t get mad. When I take her stuff though, she starts freaking out, yells, tells my dad. I just go to my room & cut myself or try to hang myself. I try it, but I chicken out. Everyday is just a blur. I wish to be gone. I wish to be alone.