the cookie finally crumbled

last year around march i had a gunman storm into the house and threaten to shoot me my daughter and the unborn baby in my womb, the only thing i could think of was to cover hurl my body over sasha as cushioning in case she got shot and to cover my stomach , i left my head feet and arms visible for him to shoot at as he pleases, there are those who have witnessed the shit i have had to go through since i was 20 and alone with sasha , risking my life, my health , my sleep my everything for the sake of her well being . i would walk all the way to work everysingle day, miles and miles away , just to make sure my little girl is comfortable, i have struggled to make sure she lives in a godly way , i am the only one she trusts , we talk like sisters , she knows my pain i know hers , if asked in school who is her role model she says mum,who is her best friend she says mum, who is your sister she says mum, a time like this last year a month after i had lost a dear friend through a cs operation , zade was due , i was ready to sacrificed my life in the theater room for the sake of my little boy, some women would have easily chickened out and said save me and not the baby. i have walked dark paths rushing my baby to hospital , i have done piggy rides while very sick , i have sacrificed stuff i valued in exchange for my children . i have been vomited on , pooped on , peed on, hair pulled , spent sleepless nights for days on end , walked out of hospital on a drip to be with my children ,walked out on a doctor who wanted to admit me to be with my children ,i sacrificed my career to stay at home and take care of my children …those who know me know what i am talking about …..yet someone who knows what i have gone through can comfortably say i am the worst, laziest mother and i mistreat my children …i am in my worst darkest place today ….that is why i give up….i know its shocking for most of you to see me this way given that im supposed to be this very strong woman , who works miracles and can work out anything but too many cracks , the glass crumbles …i have finally crumbled but whatever happens i know i had lived for my children ….every single minute of my life ….