Why am I like this?

I just don’t understand why I’m like this, see i’ve been on this page for a while, i’ve read peoples stories. I just don’t understand why i’m like this, i let everything just pile up inside of me and it sucks,  I don’t want to die but sometimes its just the only choice, I haven’t really honestly tried yet, but I honestly feel like I could someday if something bad enough were to happen it could go down, I don’t want other people to see me differently, but I am different. I’m socially awkward, I think negative of everything I do. everytime I lose a girl I feel like my heart is broken when in reality its not a good deal to others, i’m sure i have anger management, i recently had surgery on my left hand over a fight over a worthless girl that isnt even right for me, So, i’m hoping here I can make some new friends that understand me, and wont be fake.