Bi-Polar, Borderline personality disordered, alcoholic and I’m 23

Fuck what can I say I’m surrounded by people yet alone, I’ve almost always been alone, I loved once but lost the girl of my dreams to suicide, she broke up with me because of my drinking, I been in maximum security mental wards, Rehabs, churches, I’ve recently started fresh got a new job go to the gym 4 days a week I live in a great area, Yet suicide seems to be my way of doing everyone a favour and shit I’ve tried, i bear wrist scars, I tried hanging myself more than once, I slept on cliff faces yet by some way I’m still alive, I’m what you’d call untrustworthy, dodgy, and fuckin even scary. yet it’s all just a front for the scared little man inside, I promised my family myself and all those who around I wont do it, I have a beautiful 3 yr old sister who loves me-I think? I need to talk to someone like minded no more quacks, I’m taking meds i stopped drinking hard and quit smoking pot yet i want to escape ……………..