It’s funny really, the feelings I have. The sickening revolt I carry towards myself and everything else, hiding it behind a carefully placed mask. It’s funny because no one suspects a thing. Someone like me, the innocent child, the student who gets good grades, the one who is a Jesus-freak, the one who forgives so easily, can feel like this. Because I’m not any of those things….not since I’ve lost myself to a black hole of nothingness. It is the only thing people can see, the external me, while everything on the inside is bleeding so so slowly.
Why? I can’t even place words as to why I feel this way and that is what sickens me the most. I have a good family, a caring boyfriend, an a average life and yet I feel like this world, my life, is my own personal hell. No matter what happens, I can only smile showing a faded happiness, a reflection of the old vibrant cheerful me.
I don’t even know when it began. When the thoughts of worthlessness clouded my mind. When the blood ran down my wrist. All I remember was how it only numbed the pain. How just for a few moments, the void I felt was replaced by something else. That was the worst of all because I knew, I knew, that I needed help and what did I do? I stopped…then continued..then stopped…then continued…then stopped. I refused to let my family know because then the worthlessness would add on to regret and guilt…that void becoming bigger. My friends? They believed I would get over it, that it was only a phase…I wouldn’t change their mind about it.
My feelings, there’s no need to tell them. The silent screams will always be unheard. The brokeness fixed by faulty glue and tape can easily fool those around me.
But as the days go on by, it feels like this is a never-ending hell. My void becomes stronger, the emptiness filling me completely making me wish I can disappear. There were times where I even got close to attempting suicide…but then something holds me back, and I cry because I don’t if I’m strong for not going through with it or a coward.
Even now, it is hard for me to not try to cut myself to numb my feelings. The urge is so strong, the need pulling constantly, it’s like a drug and my days here wishing to disappear, feeling nothing but emptiness, faking my happiness, are my withdrawals.
The boyfriend? Honestly, I don’t even know how I came to be in this relationship if what my friend s true, “To love someone else you must love yourself”. That would explain the empty shell of emotions I’m supposed to feel around him. Maybe….maybe I need to end this before it becomes worse. Because the longer it is…the more pain I will cause him and he doesn’t need that. Nobody does.
Perhaps that’s why I can’t follow through with it. To get away from this hell. But how long…how long can I just stay here and take it all before finally becoming broken beyond repair? This never-ending hell of mine, I wonder if  can finally get away from it and break free. Become the old me and not some fake reflection imitating emotions borne into me since young. Perhaps one day I can remember what it feels like to be happy and love someone….but for now no such things exists for me…not in this hell I created for myself.
1 comment
Sweet heart! I know you don’t want to hear this and probably wont take my advice but I feel the need to tell you anyways! You have a chemical imbalance, you have clinical depression sounds like severe clinical depression. You most likely cut for (from my experience as a cutter) to get the adrenaline rush that releases pain and causes endorphins. Or to take your mind off the mental pain by causing physical pain.
What you really need to do is tell your parents how you are feeling and tell them you need to see a psychiatrist about being put on meds or seeing a therapist. You have the problem with depression and it could be a phase but it could not be… If you don’t get it treated now before it gets worse (which believe me it will) you are putting your life at risk. Get help now before you land your self in a phych hospital. Trust me thats not a place you want to be! You have a problem! Screw what everybody else thinks and get the help you need! Be your own advocate! because if you don’t tell anybody no one can help you!
god bless you!