I had a job  in a Homeless Day Care Center. The title was as a Peer Support Specialist, to qualify you must have survived a number of the same hurtles as the clients there. For a number of extended periods of time I’ve been homeless, been diagnosed with Aspberger’s Syndrome, sortof/tried  hold the secret of being molested as a child through the bulk of my life. I was told I could put my own program together. But, I was unable to gather the support to be successfull, repeatedly dashed my hopes to the point I couldn’t discuss my disappointments, and could barely listen to anyone without rages exploding inside. I stopped going to work; they fired me; they never have asked why.
I had another job (before/during/after)Â ; there was somone with authority who bullied me. When I got to the point that I didn’t feel safe I walked away. Took a walk for a week in the winter.
I said that I have been homeless, and while that is true, its a small bit of the truth. There have been time I lived without a house, but, that is not what defines me as homeless, many times when I didn’t have a legal roof over me head while I sleep working for a community keep me homefull. I live in a house now, with my aging Mom and I feel quite homeless now. Sitting here with my fingers touching the keys is the most present place I can be. There are times I go to get milk out of the refrigerator and I open the freezer door instead- Its so hard to be in my body at times.
It was a lot easier to be confident of who I was and how I contribute without the confusion of how I relate/how my parents treat me. That’s why for nearly 40 years I wouldn’t call them for months at a time, wouldn’t do visit for years.
I pray to be calm. I know being around normally kind people would be the best for all concerned. It is a joy to be able to listen for people, gently turn humor, to help carry a load.
But, even seven month after walking away I am still concerned that some injured person will repeatedly step on my figurative foot and I will not be able to forgive them for not being “perfectly loving” , then I may not forgive myself for being a perfect Christian, and then fuse may be set. I need to trust, it would really help if I could find some love for myself regardless; to how poorly I’m doing now.
I would not have come back to the town of my parents but my mother had a friend who she got a restraining order on and was still allowing him to visit her.Â
The incident-Â she thought she had paid him enough for a job so he broke her sliding glass doors and scared her enough that she called the Sherriff.
 He still comes over to “borrow” $2.00. Sometimes he calls. He may borrow tools without asking- I don’t know I don’t know if she tells the truth if I ask about anything which may not shed the best light on him. There have been a couple cases where he was the topic and what I knew to be true is not what she was swearing to be true. My sister who lives next door wants nothing to do with him and wishes to hear nothing about him. She cannot understand their bitter dance. Most often he walks into the house unannounced like its his house, not even a  ‘hello is there anyone here?’, I have seen him thinking that no one knew was at the corner of a room, regardless of the darkness I could sense a smuness of his stealthness.
He has stolen from me right out of my hands. He can act friendly, he can be charmastically charming. Â
There is a doorbell.
Mom just came over” when you get done, WE NEED to TALK.
I wasn’t at my best tonight. Knew he was coming over this time-yet I locked the door. My bet is there will be two knives out on the kitchen counter. I’ve explained several/many times its difficult for me not to fantasize about how fast it would happen to slit my own throat- so please don’t leave kives out. When he comes over its often the case knives will be left out.
“Its not my house”.
Yea, I was wrong- no knives.
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2 comments
Interesting background. What’s next for you and your mom?
Thanks.
Last nite it was quite useful to have exhausted all these thoughtsfrom the “New Job” post. It had left me emotionally clear enough not to get caught in a victumhood pattern Mom & I so often struggle. She denied that she was acting like a victum. I said that there are two different camps when discussing learning lessons. You can be excited that a lesson is being lernt and the probabilty of the future being better is rising. That’s a high level of energy, a powerful poisition to take -healing . The other camp is full of YOU didn’t YOU should have and tears and tightness of voice and not looking at one another , that’s low energies, powerlessness and ripe for reinjuries. Its harder to be glad that the retrospection is happening. If at the end of the conversation there is happiness it makes it easier to approach the next conversation of adjustment of the dance.
“I can model the behaviour, the words I want to hear I can be the best I can be in working for the results I want to experience” , then I’m creating the most powerful contract for myself. Then not creating an victum prone environment.
MY goal: I wish to think and seek models of the best I can be, more often. When I feel bruised by some social interaction and needing to say something to increase the likelyhood that the future may be better I need to model the desired, that puts me in a powerful position. If the conversation is limited to describing the injury, that puts me in a lower energy , thinking about being a victum or unstable if conbine victumhood and high energy. She was very much about getting forgiveness in the conversation. I heards want you to, you should…
It took a number of run through of language to model for her that I was more interested in saying “I can forgive myself and others for not always being best I wish they would be.” Somewhere in her mind she knows the language, she was a trained therapist. She is divorced and tells alot of sad stories of others. At this point in time I don’t remember if she accepted mirroring back modeling being powerful and saying “Daniel, I wish to model forgiving myself and others when the best is not achieved”. Yea,.. I think we ended the modeling language segment with me offering the words she can use when she want to express the power position she can control and not speak of demands and request.
After getting agreement that conversation about process ended on a good note we went on to discuss her friend that found the door locked. I explained that I understood I was not at my best when we did not have a conversation about his coming over. I wish he would use the doorbell, knock on the door annouce himself with his colorfull character that he is here- Just thinking about him and all that confusion is leading me away from confidence of being the best I can be. still working on reforgiving our interactions of the past but..expecting the future-eghI need a break I need to work on this ..later thanks again for your reading.