Slowly lost faith and my reasons for existance

My name is Nell, im 27. The only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause I found my cousin after he did. I was brought up to always try and got hard till I makes it, and I have been doing that but havent made nothing but problem for myself and those who cares for me. I slowly lost everything and I havent found a way to get it back. I look for jobs and have not luck, I even got to school and have to sit out due to car wrecks, life issues, etc. I help others but can never figure oit how to help myself. You would look at me from the outside looking in and think I set myself up for whats life brings me. My life have been shitty for the last ten years and rite now im sitting in my truck, which is stolen with my .45 tring to figure out reasons not to kill myself. Every morning when I wake up I think of at least two reasons why I shouldnt kill myself. And the reasons are always other people in my life. I dont even live for myself. I find myself more and more getting tired of life and one primary reason I cant put this pistol to my head and pull the trigger is cause I look at that as a form of weakness. I even tried sucide by cop, or try to makes people want to kill me but they never got the job done. I am truly a lost soul and I also found this site when I googled “why is my life so fucked up”. For a long time I blamed myself till one day I realized how hard I actually try to makes it better. Aftwr so much time past and so many failures you start to doubt yourself not matter what you do or how hard you try to fix it. I have never been more miserable in my life thanks now and this is the first time i every expressed this to anybody and ironically, I exposed it to the internet. Nice…. Its to the point that I really dont give a fuck not more and seeing less and less of a reason too. I maybe as well jump of a bridge or somthing. Shit is pointless…