Long time reader, first time posting. I’ve been contemplating suicide for years now. Probably around the age of 7, I had tried to choke myself to death via a dress string in the bathroom of a relatives. I’m 18 now. For about 13 years my mother has verbally abused me. I was never able to handle the stress of being yelled at for my wrong doings, and would break down crying as I still do now. My mother insults the way that I look and dress, witch is normal, I’m 5’6 and weight 150 pounds. I’m actually quite attractive, in my own opinion and dress and act like anyone else would. I have a great outgoing personality, but because of the verbal abuse from my mother I have been unable to hold friends and relationships. She would insults everyone in my life and treat my like a child therefore severing all of my connections. Its very hard to get to a point here without babbling because I have so much to tell. I’ve asked my father for years for therapy and to see a doctor, but he and my mother believe depression is not a real thing. I think it is. My life, other then my mother being a total ***** all the time is pretty great. I have a job, and I go on dates and I’m generally happy. Other then the fact I can’t be bothered to get out of bed on some days and it goes on for months.  I do not have any close friends to vent too, so I’ve kept everything a secret for years until now. I’ve recently gotten into a bad car accident and all I can remember is asking the paramedics to leave me to die. Screaming and clawing away from my savoir, just so I could die. My fear of pain overcomes my hatred for life. The line in between my fear of dying and my hatred for life becomes thinner and thinner each day. I find my self driving for hours down highways hoping for someone to crash into me again and kill me. I close my eyes and remove my seat belt and at the last minute I chicken out. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to hurt others. I just want to be happy, but without the help, I’m afraid of whats going to happen to me. Tonight, was a difficult night for me. I had written out my suicide note, thanking who I should thank and had prepared to end it. I was extremely ready for tonight to be the night. As I undid the pill cap, and with one last deep breath I was able to calm myself and give up. I just need new ways to cope because I fear myself and what will happen. This place will hopefully help.
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I’m glad you decided to share your story and secrets. Unfortunately, I think you need to get away from your verbally abusive mother. You said your life is fine without all the crap she does to you and I think you could definitely overcome your depression with her out of your life.
I’m on the track to that right now. I’m unfortunately financially dependent on her. Slowly I’m making my way to moving out and living on my own. I think I would be better off with money being tight then having to deal with her. We get along from time to time, but the spats we have every few days is just getting worse with time. Thank you for your input it’s great to know that there are people out there who actually believe in others problems and don’t dismiss it as a “fake problem”
No problem at all 🙂 It’s good to know you’re slowly taking steps towards hopefully happiness.
I’m can relate, though I’m 19.
When you are suicidal and depressed you are stuck with three options:
1. take a gamble and hope things will get better if you wait it out
2. Make a “change” like changing different things in your life, addmiting yourself to a hospital, or talking to a doctor about medical treatment. As great and dandy all of this sounds when told by someone who isn’t depressed, the truth of the matter is you can only change so much, being locked in a looney bin will probably make you more depressed, and medical treatment is a hit or miss deal. You’ll be told that chemicals in your brain can be altered by taking a pill, you’ll be told for months if not years that it “takes a while for the doseage to be sorted out, or find the right drug for you” but it’s generally 50/50 that taking a pill will magically cure your depression.
3. Off yourself. As dark as it may sound, some of us are doomed to live an unhappy life. Some people are just unattractive and will never find love, others will work dead end jobs untill the day they die provided they are even lucky to find a job at all, some will be homeless untill the day they die, some will be loners till the day they die never talking to a soul. Etc, etc… Chances are things might get better, but there’s no contract that you sign that assures you life is one big dopey roller coater and this horrible, dark, mad, hole of depression will pass “soon”. Why suffer? It’s you’re life, your body, if you’ve had enough, you’ve had enough. That stupid “live for friends/family” thing? Sure, keep on suffering just so somebody that knows you can rest their little head at night knowing that all of their toys (you) are still there for them to play with. There’s no reason to cintinue pushing on when you’re all out of fight.
We all want to find a way to make it through. You’re headed in the right path by actively seeking a solution.