I found the box. Opened it and searched it… It hurts… I didn’t know pain would hurt this much. I didn’t know the guilt would hurt more than I moved away. I wish to forget everything completely. I wish to wipe it out of my mind, so i wouldn’t bug them anymore. i messed up. i should have set a plan, I should have set a goal. i should have talked about it. but i didn’t. Now i grief in so much anger, now i greif in so much bitterness, so much pain. I have done way too much pain, only cuz i was such a terrible friend. i was desperate, i wanted nothing, but reality, turned a different corner and made me jealous. I thought I had many friends, but they all lied. I only had one, and i fucked it up. only cuz i was a terrible friend. i wished i was there for him. but i wasn’t i was going thru my complicated crap. now it is time that i should keep quiet and isolate myself. anyways nobody really cares in the reality world. and i also listened to my demonish friend. he told me that no one ever cares. the more drama i get myself into, the more complixed and frustrated i become, wanting to be free without judgment is nothing. everyone judges. And now I don’t know what to do. and also, i should have listened to my other friends that if i ever move back here, its ganna be really different. everything changes way too fast paced when your mind is still in the past. Time rushes and you just want time to stop or either really slow down.
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Then run
run away again. that is what i did in the first and second time.
I think it’s best not to focus on how much other people care etc.
Start from you. Learn how to care for yourself, learn not to judge yourself, Learn to give yourself the love and compassion you need and crave from other people. Start there.
it does but it really gets lonely..
It’s a very hard thing to do.. It’s something I really need to learn to do myself. Bring myself up like I was my own child.. Does that make sense?
im already an only child. and its been tough.
Stay. Sorry i’m pissed. did’nt read it
its alright i understand. just wish. it woudldn’t hurt as much, just wish i didn’t mess up so badly, blinded by fairy tales.. and then reality kicks me in the face so hard. yea reality is a ***** and i hate it. looking through photos and carrying the stuff for so long. yea. i do deserve this. its too late to be forgiven. too late to convince angel. i fucked up.
I don’t really understand, you are being a big vague, giving clues, but I am not really understanding.
But it doesn’t matter. If you do want to explain a bit more, go right ahead.
I don’t think being an only child has anything to do with what I was trying to say, and I do not doubt it’s been awfully tough for you.
But it’s really up to you whether you chose to swim in all your regrets, your past, your losses etc, not do anything about it, and have people say ‘poor you’ or whether you chose to deal with the past, focus on the present and plan your future. (it’s hard fucking work, not easy at all, feels impossible at times)
I feel like I’m no one to talk, I have to do so much work myself, I am nothing and no one to give advice. So I’m sorry, and I am sorry about the amount of pain you are in, you should not have to feel like this. But maybe doing something about it, when you are ready would help..
i get it. i usually do, but my mind wont budge it. reality just hurts too much for me right now.
I also want time to stop for a while, in fact I drew a picture on that recently :]
And I feel as hopeless and desperate as you daily.
I’m sorry if I gave unwanted/unnecessary advice
and i usually am stronger too.
I also very much relate to the feeling of loneliness. it’s very hard, we all need companionship..
Maybe find some distractions then, an escape from your mind and the way you feel.
Get lost in a film? or a book if you can concentrate. Watch crappy you tube videos? paint/draw do a puzzle?
okay ill try those. thank you