I am an optimist suicide. Many times I’ve imagined dying as a long sleep, with light dreams and no pain, no suffering, no bad emotions. Could it be true? Of course. But could it not be true? Yes, why not. I have no idea what dying feels like. Maybe dying it’s like going on a journey you know absoloutly nothing about.
I’ve been depressed, but I believe laziness is my strongest feature. Oddly enough, my second strongest feature I believe is determination.
I have contempleted many times on taking my life. Most times when I am thinking about suicide and dying I have in mind a certain outcome; generally that is: no pain, I will relieve myself from suffering.
But recently, I’ve discovered something interesting. I asked myself: How do I know that is true? Do I know that with dying the pain and the suffering will go away?
I contemplated on the “yes” answer scenario – so, yes, the pain will go away, how would  that make me feel, how I imagined my new free of pain and suffering being;  as a challenge,  I contemplated on the “no” scenario as well (by no I don’t mean a failed suicidal attempt, where one ends up alive, but the one where yes, one dies, but the pain and the suffering haven’t detached as one might expect). The two scenarios seemed at first like a heaven and hell argument; but that’s the tricky thing; they were actually not. It was all about “dying” – as a form of releasing the pain and the suffering versus “dying” – as having no idea what will happen with the pain and suffering, maybe it will follow me as it had followed me in life, or maybe it will transform into something different, not good, not bad, but different.
I don’t now exactly why, but the unpredictability, the unexpected nature of dying as I see it now, even though dying might even be a darker place than life,  so, the awareness of the unpredictability of dying, somehow makes me more optimistic.
3 comments
What do you mean the pain will follow you?
Before I answer your question, I just want to say you’re doing a very good job, scar504.
I’ve read a couple of posts from “the suicidal project” and I noticed a lot of sadeness and loneliness. Some stories resonate deeply with my personal experience. I believe that sometimes a simple comment means a lot. I saw some comments of yours and I believe you have a very gentle still realistic approach.
Now, regarding your question. My experience of depression and pain is very organic. I feel it like a heavy weight or a wood vice between my frontal, temporal and sometimes parietal lobes.
As I said in my post, I don’t know what happens while you die and after you die. But one possibility is that my soul, my conscience does not dissapear. And, as a subpossibility, the wood vice=the pain doesn’t dissapear as well. So, even though my physical body is dead, there is a possibility that the pain will follow my soul, my post-mortem counsciousness.
I am not a particularly religious person.
The unpredictability of death strangely reminds me of the unpredictability of life. Somehow the unpredictability of life becomes an interesting challenge.
Thanks tbh it means a lot. I came here because the way i deal with sadness is by loving people and i hope that at least some of the things i say will make them feel a little better.
To put it shortly and not get into neurosciency philosoboring stuff most of our sadness is the result of our pysiology there’s really no way to know weather or not we’d continue to be sad if our conciousness endured the destruction of our bodies, but if we were it would certainly be vastly different from how it is now. And i to have always had a not no averse fascination with death and what it may be like.