Nothing left for me here

A year ago, I was the happiest married man on the planet. I didn’t think that I had a good marriage. I thought that I had an amazing marriage. My wife was the center of my life for 29 years, and I loved her (and still do) more than my own life. I knew that if everyone in the world betrayed me and let me down, she would still be there. I knew that she would never betray me, never lie to me, never cheat on me, and never leave me, and I knew that she would always love me as I loved her, then a year ago I get the “I love you but I’m not in love with you, and I’m thinking of leaving you” speech. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Didn’t see it coming at all. Then I find out that she has been unfaithful to me more than once with more than one person….this person who I had such blind and total trust in. Nonetheless, I remain totally in love with her, and still want to be married to her. I have spent the last year trying to make her happy, but she wont have it. She wants a divorce. My world is completely crushed. Almost 30 years of my life is suddenly gone, and I still don’t know why. She transformed into someone that I don’t even recognize, almost overnight it seems. I cant envision my life without this woman who was been my whole universe. It feels like half of me is gone. I sit in this house at night thinking that I’m going to just die, and wishing like Hell that I could. I sat up all night drinking Tequila with a pistol on the table in front of me. I picked it up and sat it down several times. Twice I pulled the hammer back. I made it until morning and things looked a little different in the light of day. Not good. Just different. Tonight though….. I cant stand this pain and torment anymore.