I am 46. That’s pretty old compared to most of you. The first time I thought about suicide was in high school. I often regret not following through at that age because it would have been so much less complicated–so fewer people to hurt. I am now married with 3 kids. They keep me here because I don’t want to hurt them. But when I get really low, I can even put them aside and go through the motions of hurting myself (that’s what my therapist calls it). I think in reality I know that I just want to escape the mistakes I’ve made, the way I feel about myself, and the way I think others think about me. I also know that I want to do something big to get someone’s attention. I feel like I’m screaming inside but no one hears me. One deep slice, a few pills too many, a silent slip into the water would end it all–but at the same time I want someone to rescue me, care about me, understand me. So, for now, I pretend suicide. Will I ever be brave enough or angry enough to follow through? Will someone care? For now, I pretend and keep working with my Doc who has changed so much for me already. I hope he can move faster towards the solution than I can.
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Funny, I often feel invisible. Even here, perhaps, I am invisible. But let me clarify something from above. I said I regret not taking my life as a teenager. There are many reasons for this. But the fact is, that for most people if they wait just one more day they will find something to make living a little better and will eventually build a life where maybe there wouldn’t have been one. At least, talk to someone as I did then and as I do now. It may be too late for me. But if you are young, give talking and trying to live a chance.
You are heard – you are not invisible – not here. 30 years is a long time to carry past mistakes along with you – let them go – leave them in the past where they belong. keep working with your doctor but lie for today and apply energy into how to make this moment better instead of reliving moments from years past – like an old movie, you can replay it all you want and you can fantasize about alternate endings – but what is on film (the past) cannot be changed, the movie always ends the same
mid life dawg
I’m 45.
You are right about the movie of my life. While we dredge through it in therapy, I know it is to let it go. It is so hard because it seems hard wired inside me. And yes, you are so right about wanting to rewrite it because it didn’t play out the way I wanted it to. My mistakes aren’t big dramatic mistakes but simply letting life pass by too fearful to try to be something or do something. My life is made up of fears. It is hard to see how that can change now.
It is good to hear from you. I feel so stupid sometimes to still be dealing with things I dealt with when I was the age of most of the young people on here. I feel like there is no time to really change things now, that I will keep playing out the same mistakes over and over. I would love to hear more from you.
I’d say making the change in yourself matters more than when you make it.
Lady S, hi. From one who is EVEN OLDER than you, wow. But somehow I have come to feel, quite quickly, very much at home here, despite the preponderance of younger people.
Truth is I’ve never really properly grown up myself, and probably never will. It’s getting a bit late now.
Your story is a familiar one. Going along with the line of least resistance, doing what is expected, operating from a basis of fear rather than simply grabbing life by the bollocks and squeezing whatever you can out of it (mmm, maybe that’s a bit of a painful metaphor, sorry guys!)
Non-suicidal people also have these feelings Lady S. It’s called a midlife crisis I guess…
I hope you will stick around if you are finding it at all interesting or instructive here. Reading other people’s stories has certainly helped me enormously, and it matters little what age they are. There are silly people of all ages, and clever and astute ones ditto.
I am particularly touched by many of the stories from teens actually. I didn’t go through all that stuff when I was their age. That’s why I feel so bad for them and try to offer help when I can.
Good luck with it all Lady S…and a warm welcome from a fellow oldie, lol!
Zoe x