My eyes are shot of and feel as if they are changing dialtions. I just feel so disgusted. I’m so tired. But so upset at what discovered. Just like I was punished I’ll punish myself. That’s all I can do. I don’t cut. I so wish I did. I didn do it for reasons and now I wish i just could. Now all i have is music.
Love songs, sex drugs. The very thing I dislike in a way. It’s now the weapon of punishment. Fitting. It’s driving me insane.
I can name many ways I failed in life. I need to now.
When I was younger my bio mom abandoned me at a hospital.
My foster mother burned my hand. I lost all but two usuable fingers.
I was punished because did wrong. Dropped some type of liquid. Cried when my hair was combed.
I tripped over things that existed and didn’t causing a scraped knee or elbow and still can’t walk right till this day.
NEarsighted.
Sing all the fucking time just ALL the time.
Imature. Like to play around, like to laugh when things are serious. I laugh too much
I groan as a soother but it’s loud enough enough that others hear and have to tell me to shut the fuck up.
I hum. same as above.
HEaring is going to shite. Words starting to sound the same. Hearing the folks call when they aren’t. Not hearing them when they do.
Got beat up on the play ground.
Got my face scratched in class
I didn’t make the A-B conduct picnics in middle school. So I stayed inside doing schoolwork.
Tried to be a bully and was never taken seriously.
Started judgingg others amongst friends.
Had a girl cut my hair spitefully withou me knowing within class causing her to be suspended
Geeting expelled because I fought back at the person who wanted to fight me.
Getting punished by my parents and belittled because i stood up for myself.
Academic probation for not doing homework anymore.
Trying to be a rasict
Telling a girl i liked her and the whole school thinking i’m a disease. The principal said I’m too young and immature to know who i am.
Trying to date a guy i had no interest in to fit in aas being straight. Nearly got raped.
Being punched in the face by males. Having a basketball thrown in my face.
Losing my temper because i don;t know how to communicate and punching myself repeatedly in the head trying to kill myself self.
“walking across the street” on my forearm.
Carving the name of a girl who rejected me on my forearm with a pencial sharpener blade.
Smoking weed and it not affecting me at all but everyone else was in th 10th clou.d.
Trying to drink beer only to chuck it 2minds later.
Refusing to snort zanies or try meth
Smiling for no damn reason
Fixing shit people gave up on
Being be littled even more and the belittler not remembering becaus eof “age”
Turning into some I’m better than you gossiper.
Not knowing how to shut the fucjk up in general anymore.
Not killing myself at 21. Not doing it successfulling at 6.
Being a reject
Beinjg needy
Being open
Being an ass in a subtle way
Being a fuck up.
Not finding a job
Failing at trying to get my virtual business off the ground
Failure because I smoked cigaterrettes every blue moon instead of everyday
Liking 1920s style, music, adventures but not the racism things
Being me
Have some many near death experiences that I’m hypervigilant
So hyperaware i barely make each day
The Good
I sing
i draw
I learn
i know basic math
i can read
i help sometimes without want of anything
i can sort of make music
I can sort of fix things
I give advice
i can sort of 3d model
i can roleplay story write
That’s all. that’s all i have. Soon I won’t have to worry about going on. I don’t know when. but it has happen. I dunno what to do much anymore i can’t fix anything else. and being myself is the worst thing to mankind. to my family. to my frinds.
1 comment
You don’t need to fix yourself. You are who you are.
It sucks being punished for doing what feels right. Being you isn’t easy but that’s what makes you, you.