I cant do this anymore. Im not leaving you, Im just leaving. I am broken. I am worthless. I am just going to go away and find someplace to die. I am sorry I ruined your life. I am sorry I ruined the kids lives. They will be better off without me. They will forget me soon enough. They have no one who cares without us and now I have to leave and they have even less. I am sorry. I have become a bad influence on them. I cant think right anymore. Its better that I remove myself from them. the state has been kind. they tried to help. i cant be a bum anymore. i have to do something.
I cant take the pain anymore in my body. My muscles, joints the headaches none of it. I am constantly light headed and nauseas now. They cant figure it out. These things happen. Im not mad at them or anyone else but me. They tried to help. I just feel terrible in every way imaginable. Mentally. physically and spiritually. I am ruined completely. I am so tired. I have been exhausted for so long. I cant do it anymore. I cant get up and try again anymore. Ive been getting up my whole life and getting knocked right back down Im staying down this time.I am exhausted of this place.
Where is everyone? Im so alone. Where are my friends? X is dead. I miss him. Tell X Im sorry. tell him in sorry for everything. Tell him I wanted to be at his wedding, im sorry i wasnt there. Tell X Im sorry too. I love them. I mmiss X friendship so much. Im almost done here I think I am happy because of it. I have been sad for so long.
I miss all of my frineds. X, X. X, X, X, X, X. Sorry I wasnt a better friend . Im sorry for everything. Goodbye. Maybe let them know. Most of them are on facebook.
Ive tried to kill myself two times in the last 8 months. I went camping and burned charcoal in the truck to breathe in carbon dioxide, but it didnt work. I stole enough methadone from mom to kill someone twice my size but it didnt work. I never told anyone til now. im not going to fail again, bringing the guns as a last resort. Ive never told anyone a lot of stufff about my life. I was abused a lot. I told you about how my moms boyfriend and his son would beat me up all of the time. My ears are ringing all of the time now its getting worse eveyday I hate it. they used to hit me in the sides and back of my head eveyday for a long tme they would hold me down. I was a punching bag for his son. I fought back once and his dad kicked me and slammed the back of my head into a hardwood bed post. that was the first time i got knowcked out. I was 5 I think. I didnt fight back anymore. I just curled up and got beat in the head. The schools always thought i was abused. I was always bruised and swollen and bleeding i couldnt tell them or anyone. I think X knew he walked in the room and saw it once and he ran the fat kids dad chased him. we never talked about it. He told me he would hurt mom if I said anything to anyone he hurt her anyway. mom as always drunk and passe out those days. I think that might be whats wrong with me. I dont know. Ive been hit in the head so much i can feel the blowsagain now. bats, pool ballspol sticks 2×4. I boxed in germany as well, i was in the army. no one in my weight class could touch me so I would spar with the big guys all of the time, I took some heavy hits to the head there too. I think my head is broken it sure does feel like it.
Where was my dad? I have wanted and needed him so much when I was a kid. Im not mad at him I just miss him. I dont know. Im losing my sight my hearing and my mind i cnat smell anymore either. Im remembering things from so long from long ago that I just want to forget. I dont want to remember these thing.But I do. Ugly memories. I remember a man who used to have candy for the kids in his dresser drawer, a lot of us would go there at the time same. I went alone once. I shouldnt have. I remeber him standing in the kitchen i remember him telling me I could get some candy. i went in his bedroom and opened the bottom drawer where he kept it. I turned arounf to leave and he was standing in the doorway. he closed the door. I remember a belt and then I just want to forget forever. Why do I remember these things that people did to me all of a sudden but cant remember my sons name r where we live half the time. my short term memory is shot but i am remembering things from long ago that forgot I am dreaming about these things now all of the time. ugly dreams that i just wanted to forget about. Sometimes when I go home i drive to our old house and stuff like that. i got out once and went to the door before remembering we dont live there anymore. i cant remember stuff so good no more. There was other stuff too.
I never should have moved from my Aunt and Uncles house i was safe there. I mmiss them so much. I miss all of my family so much. my uncle X taught me how to fish. I had great uncles. X, X and X. I named my youngest son after uncle X, his middle name. My uncles were the best. all of them. X has a great uncle too, X. I found a picture of my Grandpa my brother is named after him. a strong and great name I loved him so much he was the best person in the world. I wish he wasnt ashamed of me. Where are they? Dont they know that I have fallen? They are all gone now. I ruined that too.
I wish things could have been different. i cant fight anymore. i have been fighting forever it seems. i am done fighting. i didnt set out to fail. I regret my entire life. Everything Ive ever done. Every decision I have ever made. I have always been a failure i ruined everything. Everything I have ever done or tried to do has been so hard. Nothing has been easy for me. why is everything so hard? It has exhausted me. why was i even born? i regret that too and all of this.
i told my dr at my last appointment that i have seen a person standing over me when i sleep. i wake up and they are there. he yelled at me three times DIE DIE DIE! I didnt. i fought him for a few years and he left. he is back now and knows he has me. i didnt tell the doctor he is back. he is here almost all nights. i want to fight him but he backs away from me and vanishes. im not scared of him he tries to scare me. i cant catch him here. maybe i can get him if i am dead in this world. i am going to hurt him.
Goodbye. You will be better off without me. You will see.
3 comments
Sir, you’ve fought for a long time. You’ve fought for others. You’ve cared for others. The abuse you’ve gone through has made you lose sight on yourself. You must move away from this somehow. hell, move away, if that’s what it takes. You were in the military!! That’s pride I would have if I personally knew you. You fought for others, that’s daring and magnificent. This man next to your bed, that’s you. It’s always been you. It isn’t anyone else. That is you telling yourself to lose. To give in. You aren’t weak. You are a strong man, I know you are. You’ve taken all that abuse and here you are still. Find someone to confide on, i’m not talking about a therapist. Find someone. Someone special who can understand you. Someone who can make you happy again and help you chase away that man next to the bed.
It’s not worth it.. Trust me.. I feel all the pain you’ve been through. Shit, IDC if I don’t know you, call me if you need. I hate the pain people go through. Its flipping insanity. And I’ve tried killing myself several times, I tried shooting myself, but I lived. Sadly. But you’ve got together through it. F&A with you, hope I don’t seem creepy. But life is gonna be a *****, fact. But be a ***** back. Tell life FUCK YOU and keep doin what makes you happy, besides death.
If you are taking a statin, you should talk to your doctor ASAP. I was going out of my mind with muscle cramps, migraines, dizzy spells, nausea, general light headedness, and foggy thinking – and it was ALL due to a medication I was taking (crestor, in my case).