Trying to find a way…..

I have everything someone could want in life. Loving friend’s and family, a girlfriend who would do anything for me, I have all the material possessions anyone could want, and have been given everything I’ve needed and then some…
So why do I still hate my life?
I feel so alone because no one understands me. It’s as if my pleasures in life are the opposite of others. I long for my days off work so I can spend them to myself and do NOTHING. I enjoy having nothing to do, as that means there is nothing to worry about.
I’m sick of making excuses to my friends as to why I can’t go out.
I’m sick of putting on a fake smile and pretending to be happy to make everyone else happy. I know it’s selfish, but I just want to be myself.
But the only thing that does make me happy is the thought of ending it all. It is truly the only thing that makes me smile.. And mean it.
My problem is I’m too gutless. If there were a method that would be instant and painless, I would have already done it. But it seems that there is nothing…
I guess a man can dream