My dreams have shattered. My dreams used to be my life & I still want them to be fulfilled but for that I’ve to travel back in time in order to stop myself from making shitty decisions in the past. Only god can make me travel in the past but I now doubt His existence. My prayers got unanswered when I desperately needed them to be fulfilled. Â For few of my dreams which can still be fulfilled, I don’t have a will power & courage left in me at all.
It started from my childhood (I’m almost 21 now). I had very few friends since my childhood. My parents were extra caring as compared to any other children I knew & I had extra restrictions than any other child. I studied in boys’ school since primary level. When I turned a teenager, I was easily & frequently picked by many classmates because I was not smart in anything except studies. My whole school life ruined since then. During all of my teenage including high school times, I was able to hang out with my friends very rarely due to extra restrictions as I told. I still remember I had gone to watch a movie just a single time with my friends.
But after school got over, I forgot all those shitty things & I wanted a new start but life turned back miserably.  Because of my shitty decisions, I couldn’t even complete a single year in university. I’m at home for 2 years now doing nothing where all others are enjoying their college life & completing graduation. I also want to enjoy my college life, be called a graduated,  show to the people of my age my talent, my abilities for which university was the best platform, hang out with guys & girls. But I’m lacking all these precious things. I did join another university last year but it was unbearable to see that all my classmates were 2 years younger than me & all my schoolmates were in their final year & I again dropped out within a month.
Now what happened before that is the most miserable thing. Most of the people close to me & my family know that a year & a half back I was admitted to a mental hospital. Although I wasn’t mad, it was just that my parents found some of my decisions to be psychic & I was forcefully admitted to the hospital but people see me that way only. After I was discharged, I was again admitted to hospital twice for attempts to commit suicide. All my close friends & people close to my family know all these things & probably my schoolmates too. I haven’t been in contact with my friends for more than a year now.
I’ve lost all my friendships. My best friends never came to me when I needed them the most & today it’s been a year that a friend visited me or I met a friend. And now I’m ashamed to tell anyone my present situation.
A girl with whom I fell in love when I was 14, shifted to another state 3 years back with her family & she doesn’t know I’m in love with her. Her father hates me & even she has blocked me on a social networking site since she has created her account ( one year ago) & I seriously doubt she knows about that mental hospital, suicide attempts & all that stuff. I can only hope that she doesn’t know all this. I don’t have any update of her coz her account on that site is private & she doesn’t accept friend request sent by me from a fake account. Only thing I know that she has given final year exams in university recently. Â I can only hope she’s not in a relationship with someone. She is my life as my dreams are.
My parents are really tensed about my future & life. It was my father’s dream that I become an engineer but I broke his heart. Now after a long time since I was dropped out from university, he doesn’t complain but I can feel his pain. I don’t have courage for a fresh start in a new university coz I’m too much older than first year students. I just don’t want to deal with that bullshit. All my schoolmates have either completed graduation or are about to. This haunts me.
I accept I kept taking wrong decisions but I was just trying to fulfill my dreams but things got out of hand & control, everything got messed up so much, I just can’t explain anything. No one intentionally chooses bad for himself/herself.
I’m sick & tired of trying to fix these so many things.  It was until a couple of years back, I used to do anything for following my dream but now I’ve lost my will power, courage, direction, financial support from my parents, everything.
Even If I get my friends back & my girl, how will I get my pride & respect back now in the society which I lost when I was admitted in mental hospital & when I attempted to commit suicide? Â How will I live my college life which I should have lived when I was 18, 19 & 20?
I really need a miracle or some supernatural powers to fix all these…
2 comments
Ok so I have always wished that I had those college years too. I moved out at 17. I couldn’t get school paid for nor could I afford it myself. My mom was a single mom. All my friends were in college and there I was…a no body. Yes, I still regret growing up so fast and not doing what all my friends were doing (having fun). I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at. It’s not exactly where I thought I would be so many years ago. Not where I even wished. I don’t have a degree, but I did try to go back to school a couple if years ago. But I am supervisor..supervising people older than me and most of them have bachelors or master degrees. You can still go back eventhough the people are younger than you…you will have more experience then them anyhow. The visits the the hospital, well that will always be part of your past. But leave it in the past. It is hard to know that the decisions you made could have been different. But maybe there’s a reason why you choose what you choose. Sorry to say but people like us have to fix it ourselves, there is no miracle or quick fix.
zacurious is right, and from what you wrote sounds like your biggest challenge at the moment is getting over the ideal of other people knowing about your suicide past. If its really behind you it be that much more easier to talk about it and treat it like something of the past. If you still have suicide intentions then remember that you don’t need to deal with people who going to not be caring to your situation. You not going to fit in as long as you have these other feelings there so you have to keep other people view far enough from your heart so they don’t hurt you.
I’m stuck with the whole time travel thing too, but going back doesn’t mean I’ll change me.