I have wanted to die for as far back as I can recall. My mother was clinically depressed and from my teen years until the early 90’s I self medicated with drugs an alcohol. Since I have been sober (mid 1992) I still wish I would die. I am not going to attempt suicide but everyday when I was up I think ‘when is this shit going to be over” you see I know it will be over someday and I believe that being here is the ‘purgatory’ of the catholic faith. We are getting the crap simmered out of us and the longer you are stuck in this hell ties to just how much crap you did before. I will refuse treatment for anything that is terminal – I also have a dnr and specific instruction to my proxy that absolutey no heroic measures are to be taken on my behalf. I want to die because I am going to die anyway and I do not want to grow old and feel like crap all the time
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I just find it hard to have to suffer through all this B/S when at the end – you cannot win. No matter how many friends,family, money, fame you have. You still aren’t going to get out alive. You go through all of this stuff, suffering, misery, everything….and for what?