alright here we go! another post.. i guess I really am just chemically imbalanced.. brain chemistry my therapist said.. up and down .. up and down same shit over and over again.. few months back I thought I was fucked up NOW I realize how great my life was.. and actually how positive I was feeling then..
I had two girls and many prospective ones who were waiting for me to jump on them (i’m kinda crazy like that) .. now I still have them.. and the prospective ones are waiting (tho maybe I left them waiting for too long) .. just that magical feeling.. my confidence.. just dipped.. and I am getting fucking lazy.. well now that confidence has dipped I am a bit coy to contact the ones that are waiting (which is kinda stupid I think.. cuz better to try then to fail by not)
anyways.. I am just sick of my shit.. everyday I feel like a different person..
I suppose I’ve never really held a steady job.. maybe that is my problem.. I am in school now a good one at that.. an arts school tho .. everytime I ***** to my dad about me not knowing what I wanna do with my life he just tells me.. well artists are like that you’ll find your way as you go through school..
but fuck I am just tired of my shit I was googling cyanide pills yet again.. up down up down I am sick of this bullshit!!! .. 🙁 ever since I was a teen this feeling just never goes away.. sometimes it does sometiems it doesn’t I was diagnosed with bipolar..
anyways I just feel really lonely I guess.. I’ve learnt that I can’t really feel any love anymore (IF ANYONE OUT THERE FEELS THIS SAME WAY PLEASE TELL ME BECAUSE I DON”T KNOW WHY AND WHAT IM DOING WRONG) but yeah.. so I guess that is why I can’t seem to feel the connections I have with my friends and having trouble keeping awesome relationships with friends.. because I just don’t feel any love.. for anyone.. it’s been this way for quite some time..
I figure prozac might help.. but I was on that shit for 7 years I DID NOT LIKE IT!!!!!
I dunno what happened.. I really don’t.. this post sounds so crazy because well maybe I am crazy……… fuck
4 comments
kinda like talking to myself (inanet anonymity is good for this!) but I figure.. I have a lot of potential.. for a lot of things in life.. I realized if I focused I could do anything.. but this depression shit REALLY GETS IN THE WAY sometimes..
but I realize that’s good motivation knowing that one day if I fight through this.. I can be with anyone I want.. have as much money as I can try to make.. and have all the friends in the world! and the confidence I’ve always needed to have a great life..
There you go, you already have set a route, I feel you, am doing my 12th grade, about to finish school now. I have made this complete jump within the span of a year, I mean the study has gone up quite a bit, but yeah what I am trying to get at is that, yes I also miss having the chance to be with people at times, and not being able to be a part of people’s lives. But frankly this is life, we can’t all be like Paris Hilton, and just be at the right place at the right time. What you experience, I experience too, a lost time, a precarious road ahead, but the joy is in the journey and not acheivement I feel. So I wish you well, stay safe.
thanks for that mate.. I guess I really just don’t have that kind of outlet to spend constant time with friends and people.. shit gets weird like that when your older esp if you 1. move around a lot 2. don’t have a stable life/job .. thanks tho man
i do a lot of going through my friends’ facebook.. i think moving around too much has killed my initial circle of friends thing.. so it doesn’t make it any easier hence anywhere i do move around I have to start a new.. and having this kind of thing.. bipolar definitely makes it twice as hard.. not saying I can’t I can.. but it’s the up and down that just fucks with it.. TALKING TO MYSELF! what internet anonymity is good for