This may not be what you want to hear, but… your children still depend on you.

My parents fought like crazy for years. Ok, maybe not fought—it was mostly just my mom saying nasty things, and then my dad beating her. That’s not exactly a good environment for a child. And to this day, even now that they’re too old to fight but obviously still despise each other, they still tell me that the only reason they never divorced is that they didn’t want me growing up in a “broken family.” So yeah. Divorce isn’t necessarily bad.

I’ve never been married and can’t imagine the amount of pain you’re going through. But coming from a child’s perspective, if my father (who’s a decent dad, but a terrible husband still) had committed suicide, I would’ve been crushed. Several months ago we were talking late at night, and he began talking about how difficult it has been for him to be in the U.S. (where we live). 20 years and his English still hasn’t improved, so of course things have been difficult. But then he said, “oh, if I didn’t have such terrible luck in life, things could have been different.” I almost lost respect for him right then. The man I looked up to all my life, blaming fate? I can’t accept that.

It’s a selfish thing to bring children into the world, but we’re still animals and many of us feel the need to perpetuate our gene pool. And it’s selfish for loved ones to expect you to put their feelings first, so that they don’t have to go through the pain of losing you, even if you’re completely miserable. But these are your children, man. No matter how bad of a person you think you are, your kids don’t see you that way. (I mean, I recognize all my dad’s faults. But he’s my dad, you know? So it’s not that bad.) Please. Speaking as a daughter of a “manly” man: don’t break that illusion for them.

I’m sorry to sound preachy.

I really hope things look up for you soon.