Another night

I am sitting on the couch next to my beautiful girlfriend.
I am on my iPad writing this. She has no idea. I think she loves me. But I’m not happy. Every night the only thing that helps me sleep is the thought of suicide. I have failed at most everything I have tried. I have run out of options. For the last few years I have been telling myself “next week will be better”. It doesn’t get better.
I can’t be positive anymore. The eternal void of death looks so inviting. I have got my method planned. It some how calms me knowing the end is near.
I have wasted my life. I didn’t excel in school I didn’t study. I was too busy chasing girls. Now I’m retreating not getting a degree. I’m 40 next year and I have nothing.
What’s the point in living if you don’t have money. All my friends do.
I keep putting ona front to keep up with them but I can’t do it anymore.
Im a loser. I have heaps of friends and family. But it’s not enough. I want it all and I can’t have it all.
Ive tried to have it all but now I know I have failed. With no hope what’s the point?
What’s the point in being average.
I found this method that involves soaking and simmering tobacco. Guaranteed to work. Eternal sleep here I come.
I just have to do prepare it without my girlfriend knowing what I’m up too.
I have had a life that a lot would be jealous of. You name it I’ve done it. But as my money and options dry up I can’t see the point of living. You are better not to fade away. I believe we should have the right to die when we want.
I hope my family and friends will see my point.
Regards