can’t take it any longer

All I remember, all I have in this life is pain. Nobody around me can even begin ti imagine: I am a well-educated person in a good and well-paid job that I love, I have, or at least I pretend I have, an active social life…But I have never been happy, and I am so tired o trying…I am so tired of living. Nothing takes away that feeling. My life is apparently good, but if I went into details, it would be clear that not all that shines i gold. I grew up in a broken home, an all my childhood memories are accompanied by the shouting and screaming that went on at night, as my parents fought. The next day the mood would be foul, and the beating would turn to me…My youth was more or less the same. I left home young to live abroad (as far as I could) and my life has taken me all around the world, but I have paid a high price. I do not make friends easily, so I feel lonely. I am tired of life and I want it to end…I attempted suicide only once, when I was still living with my family, but I didn’t succeed and never tried again for fear of failing (is the only thing I have ever failed in my life…Ironic, isn’t it?). But lately I have started self-harming, and I am considering giving it another go…Once I sort things out and leave everything in place, I know I will feel ready this time and I will not fail…