i honestly dont even know where to start.. i guess the most recent attempt would be a good place considering nobody around me knows what happend. so yeah.. roughly 4 weeks ago, i attempted suicide. my plan was perfect. i managed to get my hands on 2 bottles of liquid diazapam (5mg per 5mL) along with 25 10mg diazapam pills. i set up the noose, put plastic on the floor for easy clean up. tested the wire and the support, it held 200 lbs ( i weigh 130) no flaws. it was perfect..my time is finally here i thought.
i injected both bottles, ate all 25 pills and sat for about 20 minutes to make sure everything was dissolved and in my system. after the 20 minutes of letting it all settle, i was ready. i stood on my chair, slipped the noose around my neck, and kicked the chair out from underneath me..finally…..
i woke up 4 days later in a pile of my own puke, noose still around my neck, and a pretty much my entire ceiling was on top of me. i can’t even explain the overwhelming feeling of failure.. i’ve managed to fuck everything in my life up and now i just fucked up my suicide. how the fuck does that happen? how can someone fuck something so simple and fail so hard? it was perfect..what the fuck am i suppose to do now? i can’t even kill myself let alone function in the real world with the rest of the normal people..there’s nothing left for me
5 comments
Plase don’t feel this way. Although I can only imagine how horrible you may feel. Being depressed, then having this piled on top of it (the failed attempt). BUT although I may not fully understand how you’re feeling, I want to say that maybe you should look at this as a sign. Maybe there’s a reason why it didn’t happen. A reason that hasn’t shown itself to you, YET. As far as suicide, I don’t necessarily blieve that if it happened then it was meant to happen, but I do believe that if it DIDN’T happen there is a reason why it didn’t.
I am just very happy you didn’t end up suffering from any severe physical consequences from your attempt. I can understand the urge of wanting to get out of this world.
Realize that while you may pass out after a few minutes of dangling, your body will continue to thrash about violently for up to 30 mins. I’m shocked you don’t have serious brain damage, you must of fallen shortly after passing out. I’ll probably end up hanging myself to pretty soon, this reminded me to make sure the rope is strong ang tight.
I’m a believer in signs. I usually look for the negative. Soemthing like this happening makes me wonder though…
You are so brave kloudy. To at least try it and fail is better than to not try at all. I won’t try and preach to you to not do it again, but I will say this, if it is something you do again make sure it is something that is absolute because you can’t take death back.