Condemned

One day I will probably kill myself by driving my vehicle into the water at a boating dock and drowning when no one is around to save me.  As bad as suicide is I think an even worse fate would be to be saved and come back all retarded or a vegetable. I have known for about 4 years that I would kill myself one day. I know there are people who will miss me. Trust me, I have 2 kids. I love them very much. I even love myself. I am just undeniably unhappy in this life because of my past and a life like mine isn’t worth living. I’m not living for myself at this point. I am living for my family. My hair is falling out. I can run my fingers through my hair right now and pull out 5-10 strands of hair. If I don’t die from suicide I will probably die from stress itself. I have a job where I work about 50 hrs a week. It keeps my mind off of suicide but it adds to my level of stress at the same time. I’m actually a lot better now. When I didn’t work I would play the words “I’m going to kill myself” over and over in my head. I don’t do that so much anymore. Just when it gets bad and I have a real need to die. I would say it out loud when I was alone all the time. I have a substantial amount of life insurance on myself. I really want my kids to be happy. Something I can never be myself. I’m not sure why I’m writing this except that I almost went to the hospital tonight. I was in my car, on my way, but I decided to go to the doctor on Tuesday for stress, even though I know I won’t. Maybe deep down part of me wants to get better and to stay? I think tonight I have been closer to acting on it than I have been before. I told someone how I feel and they didn’t seem to care. Maybe they thought I was just acting out and being manipulative. All things aside, maybe I am just here to vent and try to put it off a little bit longer. It did make me feel better 🙂