Don’t know anything

So.. I really have no idea what I’m doing here, or what I hope to accomplish by doing this. All I know right now, is that I’m close to the end. I’ve always been alone. I don’t know why. I’ve always tried very hard to be friendly and to just.. belong. For some reason, I’ve never been able to. Ever since I was little, I was always on the outside looking in, knocking at the window but no one would ever let me in. I’m always alone. I don’t even have my family to turn to. My parents are divorced, and when they were together I had to support everyone by keeping my mother from killing herself, and trying to keep my brother linked to reality. My dad was always away, and when he was home, it was like walking on broken glass. When I was 10, my brother had a kid, and my parents took her in. I was left even more alone than I already was.

Now I’m 20. I don’t know what to do with my life. I feel useless and that my existence in pointless. I can’t seem to find a passion for anything, and I’m at my wits end. I know it’s not right to compare lives with others, but I see the people that I used to know, and they’re gorgeous and passionate and have accomplished so much while I’m at a standstill.

I suppose I don’t have much to complain about. My family has calmed down. I have food and shelter. I’m going to community college. But somehow, I find myself sleeping, wishing I’d never wake up. I’ve been through it all, the therapy, the meds, even a couple relationships hoping that it would save me. It all ended up throwing me deeper down the rabbit hole.

I just.. don’t want to exist anymore. I have no reason to.