Empty

I dont know why I’m posting on here in the first place. I guess im hoping that maybe someone else is going through the same thing. Ive been fucked up since i was little when my dad would beat the shit out of me for not being athletic or preppy enough. Things just got worse when i went to highschool i was a scared little kid at 4’11 90 pounds. i was the perfect target. I was homeschooled all my life so i never understood social interactions, i fit in trash cans and lockers, and i couldn’t fight back. My only friends were the poetry i read and the knife i used to cut myself with. It was by far the worst four years of my life. I got to college at 6’1 thinking wow time for a new life away from it all but it was so much worse, no matter where i went someone knew me, i began to drink heavily 6 to 7 nights a week, i tried suicide on 3 separate occasions, obviously since im still writing i didnt do it, but every day since i droppped from college ive felt like i should have. I find no point in living because if my own parents cant love me how can anyone else. I hate myself for the cutting for the drinking for the drugs for this fucked up situation ive put myself in. Now im in the military and ive been home for a bit, and i was happy till i came home. Maybe i was expecting a party or even one person to be excited i was home but in reality alls i ran into was being reminded of how much people hate me. so now its just kinda sitting around wondering if i should really go through it or not. I find myself hoping that someone will burst through the door and save me but how can they i dont let anyone know how i feel, i just smile and pretend its all okay. Its getting late though so i guess its time i should try and sleep even though i know ill just wake up from the nightmares. Now to figure out how to end these things, guess with a goodbye for now, atleast thats the hope