This may sound selfish to some, hell, maybe all. What others think about my decision does not concern me, I only wish to gather some insight into the aftermath of my choice to commit suicide. I am a father of two, boy and girl, 8 and 10. I pretty much screwed up my life from the start, made one wrong choice after another. At the time I thought that I was doing right, but hindsight has shown me otherwise. I have tried everything within my means to improve their lives, but it is becoming increasingly apparent that if I stay in their lives then I am going to do more harm than good. To make matters worse, their mother is obviously not going to try to do anything to improve her own life with me around, no matter how hard I try to get her to see the truth of things. She prefers to live in her own little reality, thinking that as long as she can placate my mood swings then somehow things will just work out with no effort on her part. I have a criminal past, a history of drug and alcohol abuse, so my part in society is pretty well set. I can work for very little money, keep them in poverty, and watch them grow up emotionally crippled to repeat my own mistakes… or I can try to remove the immediate problem…me. As I am posting this you of course realize my decision. The only thing that has stopped me thus far has been the lack of knowing what effects my decision may have on my children’s future. I need some insight into how I may lessen the damage when that day comes and I use my preferred method to end it. Don’t get me wrong, I know there is going to be some fallout from this decision. You will just have to believe me that I have thought this over in great detail, and I really see no other choice, outside of society suddenly realizing that people like me can and do change, and that we only want the best for our families, and that we are not going to resort back to our old ways just to make it easier. I should not have brought children into this world, but I honestly overestimated my chances to give them a socially acceptable life. Any information is welcomed. I look forward to hearing from some of you.
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6 comments
I am 37 and going back to school this spring. My friend is going back at 40 with a wife and two kids. He has horrible credit and still meets the requirements for four times the student loans that I do.
Some colleges offer “useless” degrees. Pick a major that you already have an interest in and that there’s a demand for. Get enough loans to not worry about money for the couple of years you’re in school. Get a two year associate’s degree in a field that there’s a demand for. Get a decent job. Never forget your past, but know you’ve learned from it. Teach your children that even if they “mess up”, there is always hope, if they just focus and apply themselves.
I personally don’t agree with society’s “rat race” to gain pretentious b.s., but I also understand that it’s becoming increasingly harder to support yourself and your loved ones, these days.
Leave your kids with a legacy of triumph, even when the cards were stacked against you. It will give them pride and guidance through this whirlwind of a civilization.
That’s a difficult one,because you’ve got a wife and kids.Can I ask a question.If you
didn’t have a wife and kids would you be more content,even though you take drugs and drink and live like that iwthout killing yourself.
Not sure about the degree thing^.That will be a lot of stress,money and time.
Your kids will appreciate you even having a low paid job,than not being around.I’m sure.
Your choice in the end.Good luck
I am also a father of two. And I also have depression issues…. and guilt issues and just issues in general.
I would have to ask you bluntly – do your kids love you? Do they enjoy spending time with you?
If they do – then it has nothing to do with money or if you are “successful” in earthly terms. It has to do with the simple fact they love you….. nothing more.
Let me spin it – what if a stranger tried to harm your child – would you be okay with that? Probably not. What if your kid was depressed – would it be okay for someone to harm them then???
Then why would it be okay for you to harm yourself if you don’t like the image of someone harming your child.
Stick around. Protect your kids.
Sure you have issues. Sure you have had some failures. Question that I would have is do you have the guts to fight through it.
You misunderstand me, alcohol and drugs are not my issue. That was all my past. I haven’t used anything outside the occasional ibuprofen when the pain from the extensive damage done to my body becomes unbearable. I have tried to look for resources to help me go back to college, all I seem to get is a big runaround from the human services departments in this backwoods po-dunk state. Moving isn’t a viable option either. Hell, I can’t even afford to put food on the table sometimes because the state says that I make too much money for assistance (aka right above minimum wage). I have been looking into an affordable life insurance policy that if this works the way I have planned, it will allow my wife to at least get a degree in a field that will pull them out of poverty. Accidents happen, and I know its going to hurt like hell, but physical pain I can deal with… its the emotional and mental anguish of knowing what is going to happen to my children that I cannot deal with anymore.
I am a kid. And the one thing I know for sure is that I would be devastated if my father ever left me. No matter how good or bad of a father you think you’ve been, every kid needs their daddy. forever and always. You’re kids seeing you not being perfect helps them know that not everyone is perfect. that everyone makes mistakes. try your hardest to be apart of your kids life no matter what their mom says because when you pass away many years from know they should be able to hold onto the amazing times they has with you and not the time they missed out on. your kids will always need you and that should be enough to keep you here.
John.I mean’t to say,would you still be contemplating suicide if you didn’t have kids.