today was a bad day. im 30 years old and was raised by a emotionally selfish mother who was drunk and high my whole childhood. i was the fat kid in school and got in a lot of fights. ive been alone forever. i never really had anyone love me. im tired of being alone. ive been alone so long i dont really know how to communicate with real people anymore.
my mother was and is addicted to opiates. darvocet percocet etc. and she drank. she would take me and my little sister out with her to friends houses to drink and party. one night she had us out. the “adults were doing lemon drops (a shot of absolute with a wedge of lemon you suck on after) she was wasted. blackout drunk. she gets in the car and starts to drive with us in it. im like 11 or 12 my sister is 5 or 6 at the time. she falls asleep driving. no accident. i took the wheel somehow got us pulled over and got her in the back and drove us home. i could barely see over the wheel.
another story about my mother. my father hadnt talked to us in a couple years. round the same time as the car incident. we got a letter in the mail for a custody hearing. (im italian and was raised italian. you never repeat what happens in the house. ratting is a thing you get beat for.) so my mother overly dramatic and never wrong as she always was decides to lawyer up. we go to court. (btw my father had gotten remarried a year before this incident and was gonna take us to try and get his child support dropped because he didnt pay it from the start of the divorce not because he thought anything was wrong he hadnt talked to us in over a year.
so the night before court my mother must of taken a bunch of pills (because her nerves were bad. her nerves. emotionally selfish! why didnt she ever worry about our nerves?) on top of whatever she took she drank a gallon of carlo rossi piasano. dago red as its called. she was falling down all night. split her lip. ended up being stark naked. she wouldnt let me leave her side that night. dis fuckin fuctional! anyway we make it threw the night and i later find out she had alchohol poisoning. so we get to court and i keep my mouth shut like a good dago. she wins. my father doesnt talk to us for two more years.
so this was my life threw middle school. taking care of fucked up mommy. she meets this guy ron. gets married. he is in recovery so she tones her shit way down and life is normal for about a year. she gets bored easy my mother and didnt like the way her life was going so she starts drinking heavy again. he starts drinking and he gets abusive. shit was fucked now. the summer before high school he left.
when i got to high school things kind of changed for me. i started hanging out with “the cool kids”. so that meant drugs and booze. i slimmed down but never really had any confidence. the damage was already done to my self esteem. girls still didnt like me. fact is im abrasive (my personality, my sense of humor etc.). so the drugs got out of control. the only time i had confidence was when i was drunk or high.
threw high school my mother was with guy after guy. she started hanging with my best friends mother and they would go clubbing. my poor sister was left alone all the time because i was getting fucked up most of the time too. i couldnt deal with anything. my mother would ask my friends for drugs if they came over. just embarassment after embarassment. i dropped out in my junoir year. i ended up going to work for my father.
fast forward a few months. my buddies step brother was a couple years older than me. we went to philly for weed. he got back in the car with crack and heroin. i did both. when i did the heroin and it kicked in i knew it was gonna be a problem. i never felt so good in my life. all my problems were gone. i felt good about myself. this did not last.
fast forward 6 months. im in the worst parts of philly selling anything i can get my hands on for heroin. grandparents jewlery, tvs, radios, anything. this was the beginning of a eight year period of addiction. many awful things happened and were done to me during this time in my life.
fast forward again. im 28 and on methodone. the need to sell all my shit is gone but im still a slave to drugs i still hang with criminals. i start selling pills and weed. my house gets raided. i end up in prison.
prison was the best thing that could of happened to me. ive been clean for 2 years now. but fact is all those old emotions and self esteem issues are still in my mind. most days i know that everything will be easier when im gone but then there are days when i feel different. there arent many but they happen every now and then where im almost happy. today is not one of those days.
i wanted to write all that because i think its important to know why we are the way we are and if all the awful things i listed (and there are way more) can help someone else maybe not feel so bad about themselves then rehashing all my shit is worth it.
as for the way i am today. before i went to prison i ained a massive amount of wieght. when i got out of prison i weighed 347 lbs. i now weigh 280. so thats good. im clean from all drugs and alchohol. but fact is im still a miserable person. i do not believe there is a god and if there is he or she is a fucking masochistic jerk-off. im filled with hate for normal people. im filled with jealousy for people with easy lives. everything in my life has been a battle. im tired of fighting. i cant do it anymore. im just tired. sleep doesnt come easy and being awake is just hard. the things ive lived threw and seen haunt me. from the drug days to my childhood to prison. yet at the same time here i am losing weight and staying clean but why? idk. i really dont know. its like a driving force is pushing me to do these things even though i dont care anymore. im to tired to want to get high so thats not a issue and im too depressed to eat. my mind goes and goes so i cant sleep. id love to end it but i dont have the balls. plus its my opinion that there is absolutly nothing after this life. so shouldnt i try to make the most out of it? idk. it would just be easier if i was never here.
unfortunatly there is no good ending to this story. i hate myself and everything around me. but i push on for whatevr reason idk…
8 comments
Wouldn’t it be worth it to keep turning your life around? Stay clean, get healthy, ditch the criminal friends and try to do something with the rest of the time you have? It doesn’t sound like it’s to late to write a happy ending for this story. Actually it sounds like the ideal time.
its def worth it to keep doing the right things just most days im miserable.
Hey, I’m really sorry your life has been so shitty. I have a friend who’s been somewhere similar, selling drugs and an abusive mother and a never-there father. I’ve been trying to help him through it, but I’ve seen the damage a horrid childhood like yours does to someone. All I can say is that you can get better, believe me. And things will get better for you, especially now that you’ve fought through everything so far. I imagine you are a strong person, even though you carry a lot of baggage from your past, and I want to believe that you won’t relapse or end it. I have a lot of respect for you and it would make me sad to see you give up.
as for the relapse stabby i actually think im past it. i dont get craving anymore. and everything has made me stronger but even more damaged as well. but there is definately changing in me. before i couldnt better myself and if i tried it wouldnt last long. now i seem to be doing these things that are good without really thinking about it too much its like its a subconscience thing thats happening. idk
What do you want for your life then that you think you’re missing? If there’s things you don’t have, the only thing you can do is work for it to achieve. You sound like you’re on the right path, just keep going because it’s all you can do.
i’m sorry to hear about what u’ve been through.
But i gotta say..i’m proud of you..for making yourself better, despite all the bad things u’ve been dealing.
None of us is perfect.. we’re all have a dark side..
You’re on the right path..keep it up 🙂
don’t commit suicide, i just tried 4 days ago with pills. i don’t feel like i have a passion anymore. the love of my life is going to get married to her stupid high school boyfriend. and I’m 2 fat to find another woman I’m attracted to. Nevertheless, in life, all you can do is have a goal and passion for that goal. Whether thats lose weight and get a job. or meet the love of your life. or fight off drug addiction, or build more self-confidence, or ALL OF THE ABOVE. Psychology teaches you that before you can take care of someone else you have to care of yourself first. I’m sure you’ve heard the airplane analogy with the oxygen masks. If you help someone else put on the mask before you do you might die putting on the mask because of lack of oxygen. Let yourself breath before you can give air to someone else. what your mom made you go through was terrible. i mean very bad i can’t even relate to it but now is the time not to give up. Think about the intelligence you had now. don’t you wish you could apply it 10 years ago? or even 5 years ago? I know i wish i had the little intelligence that i have now(18 years old) to when i was a freshmen(14 years old). but past is past. I mean the best thing you can do right now is just find a support group and express those emotions your feeling to someone. anyone rather. it could be the fucking suicide hotline ffs or suicideproject.com :). After you done that now you must find a realistic passion. Maybe you want to go to school but you have no money. Ok we start from square one. Try to find a job to keep you busy and save up. But remember you have to support yourself first before you can find a partner of some sort because you want to provide her the best care possible. Ask your sister for help, she probably understands you more than anyone else in the world. I know my brother and best friend undrestand me well. what you’ve gone through though lets me know that i could of had it so much worse. So thank you. i wish you the best of luck
Snake, welcome to SP. I read your entire story. I’m glad that prison was in some ways a positive thing for you, and that you are now instinctively doing the right things for yourself (losing weight, staying clean). It may take time for you to feel the rewards of your efforts to turn your life around. Once you identify some goals (start small) and any help that you can access (dunno if 12 step fellowships would float your boat? I know they aren’t for everyone) along the way, you should hopefully start to get back some zest for life. Your terrible experiences of a chaotic childhood with an addict mom could one day make you an ideal person to help others from similar backgrounds and with similar struggles.
You are a strong person Snake, to have survived all that. Zoe x