how long……

i hear you. im 5’1 and about 109 pounds maybe a little less. ive slowly been losing more and more weight. when im sad, i either dont eat all day and maybe pig out once a day, or i just dont eat all day, or have little bites of things. i dont have the desire to do anything anymore. i dont know what to do anymore because i cant control anything. someone else is controlling me, and they continue to do so, even though i dont deserve it. it is sick. im rambling. i am sitting here with a box of benadryl contemplating whether or not i should swallow the whole box. i keep chickening out. every time i do something like this, i never take it far enough to cause permanent immediate damage. it started one time i took about 5 advil, then i took about 6, then i took 8 nyquil, etc. enough to give me a stomach ache, feel nauseous, and feel faint, but not enough to disappear. im too afraid to be here, and im too afraid to die. i never want to lose my boyfriend, but at the same time i know i’ll never be ok with or without him. i cant escape his harsh hateful untrue words. i just sit here and have to take whatever he says, he says whatever pops into his head and believes it as the truth because of other things ive done, he constantly makes me feel like nothing, and hate myself, in addition to hating myself for ways ive acted in my life, i hate myself for taking all of this from him, i hate myself for loving him so much, i hate myself. i hate that he can accuse me of whatever he wants even though he is wrong and i cant do anything about it. he knows i cant do anything about it. we both have problems, his problems were there long before i met him, and so were some of mine. i don’t know what to do. i love him so much and want the person back that i know and love, the person that i got a glimpse of every now and then, i want to get rid of this person i’m left with that i hate. why cant the good person come back, why cant he see the good in me and stop accusing me of things i dont do. why cant i be treated like i deserve. i am sorry. i am so sorry. i love him so much. i can’t do this anymore. i am afraid of every day that comes, i am afraid of him, and i am afraid of how much i am going to miss him and wonder if he could have ever changed. im trying so hard. i am powerless, i am nothing. he makes me nothing now. i love him so much, but i am hurt every day. something needs to change, maybe this time i will have the courage to take the whole box of benadryl. even now, i dont even have the courage to ignore my boyfriend, he keeps texting me saying the most hurtful things to me, and i cant even let him go. i keep telling him to leave me alone and all of the pain he keeps causing me, but he says hes done, then he just keeps going on. i desperately dont want him to leave me because there has to be a way to get him back to way he was when he was incredibly amazing, but i cant live like this. all i can do is cry more and more and more with every text message i read from him. they get worse and worse and more hateful, and untrue. i hate myself. i hate everything. why cant i disappear. im too afraid to die, but im too afraid to live. where did the person i love go? someone please help me. i know theres nothing i can do. im terrified. i know i hurt him and i am so sorry. hes made me pay in so many ways. hes hurt me so many times, and continues to hurt me more and more every day. i am so sorry. i never wanted to hurt him. he is the only person ive ever loved. i am haunted by him. why cant this stop? if he really sits down and thinks, he has to realize i dont deserve this and it is killing me. he wont stop calling me. i can’t do this.

He wont stop. He just keeps saying the most hurtful things to me, and making his own ridiculous conclusions. i’m so insecure, but so is he. this needs to stop. how dare he do this, how dare he say i never loved him, i showed him all the love a person can give, he wont stop, it continues still right now, maybe if i start taking the benadryl something will happen. ive made up my mind, since i cant live in a world where he treats me how i deserve, and i cant escape him, im done. i just swallowed the first one. i dont know how many im going to swallow until i chicken out. goodbye.