Well, I am.
I’m also very smart.
But mostly, I’m an idiot.
One of my biggest problems right now is that I don’t think anyone might like me once they get to know me, which is not so much about other people as it is my own self-perception. I already dislike myself; I dislike how I react (feel) to social situations, and I dislike the fact that I feel as if I have no ability to change that.
I dislike how sensitive I’ve grown over absolutely everything. I don’t know how I got this way, but I really don’t know how I could undo what’s already been done.
So I keep everyone at a distance, and I isolate myself because I don’t want to screw anyone else up in the same way I’m screwed up, and I’d rather not face the obstacle course of self-loathing that’s a component of interacting with other people.
24 comments
OMG, I feel exactly the same way. There is so much trash in my head. I am so difficult and complex. I have such a low self-esteem. I know this yet it took me years to get to this point and to generate the opposite feelings and thinking patters will take years. I am so trapped in my own mind. I can attract men very easily but as soon as they perceive my fucked up inner world, they walk away. There’s really no way of hiding these insecurities and misconceptions, they eventually surface.
Kind of an emotional issue? Like, consciously you know you’re not the person you feel like, but how you feel doesn’t reflect who you think you are?
It’s more like people would think you’re fine and have a “lot to offer”, but you don’t see yourself that way. You have a negative view of your self. This comes out through your body language, comments and reactions. Soon people pick up on those signals and that’s a complete turn off. You end up convincing them that you’re not as great as they might have thought you were when they initially met you.
That does happen to me a lot.
To most of us here I think. My brain is infested with roaches and rats. My mental pain mostly comes from that. it’s chemical too but I definitively developed a set of thinking patters long time ago that are not only unhealthy but that spread and grow like a virus.
For me, I don’t think the same way I feel — I have a more healthy perception of myself, or an ideal self I’d rather be, but how I feel is never in line with how I think I should react. It gets grating. I think it might be OCD-related.
People are superficial. They like to know you to their own or even to your mutual benefit. That’s why the people you befriend on chat talk to you when someone in the real world might not. People like to have fun and when your not then they don’t want to know because it becomes tiresome.
I’ve never been like that. I’m usually the person other people go to when they feel like crap and need someone to listen. I’m good at that. I’m not really good at much else, though.
Your last sentence @Orangish is precisely the point we were discussing before. I am sure that you are good at other things but you have convinced yourself that you aren’t and your thought will win over your reality.
Only people that suffer from depression are able to understand depression, the rest, as Duke said find it exhausting to deal with. They much rather have fun that spend time in dark alleys with you.
Your not some comfort blanket for people to run to when they are feeling bad and then discard when they are ok. I’m sure there are lots of things you are good at. Your not very aggressive, argumentative or fierce. You don’t know how to take what you want because sometimes you don’t know what you want. But that’s not the real reason, it’s something else and no one will ever be able to fully understand what that feels like because everyone is selfish to some extent.
I’m aggressive as hell with certain topics – injustices piss me off to no end. I can get argumentative, but we don’t do many philosophic topics on this site, so I lack the proper venue for that kind of exchange. I also play chess perpetually and am damn good at that. But I mean in social settings – I suck routinely at that.
Do you suffer from social anxiety?
I do and I don’t. I got beat out on the anvil of supervising a sales and production department in a print shop for three years — horror story for social anxiety, but I got used to it. It’s more about how I react to people, how I feel — it’s like I have sore spots everywhere and getting to know people / having people get to know me hits at every single one of them.
It’s all in the mind. Those sore spots were created by you prolonged and loyal thinking on a certain topic about others and yourself. You apparently get rid of them by striking back with an opposite thinking / feeling over and over again, but this process takes a long time and a lot of discipline. It’s like taking an eraser and wiping out all that you wrote and learned for years in the blackboard of your brain.
I’ve pretty much been all 16 personality types over the years. In my experience when you feel like that you become lethargic. Sometimes you can’t control who you become.
@ duke there are only 16 personality types?
Orangish, you seem funny smart and kind. So I think you would do really well socially if you wanted. Wondering… Does the self loathing happen while social activities are taking place? Or after?
During – especially if I do my normal sitting back and watching routine. I used to love people watching, now it just reminds me of everything I don’t have.
@ one_day I read it somewhere. I don’t know whether there is any truth to it.
@orangish have you ever tried people watching autistic/developmentally delayed/ handicapped people? There a big stigma there, you’re meant to look away, but I think that’s discriminatory too.. I watch everyone. There a group of wheelchair people who play basketball near my house. I like to watch them sometimes it helps ground me somewhat. They’re pretty amazingly agile.
I’m actually related to a number of people with Down’s, dyslexia, Asperger’s, etc.. And yeah, they are definitely fascinating. Have you ever watched how they relate to other people? Like mannerisms, body language, etc..?
What do you mean? Is there a consistant type of body language or mannerism?
Well, to some degree it seems like there is, but it’s something I’m always conscious about for some reason. With my autistic relatives, it’s easier to tell when they’re relaxed than it is with other people, for example. Relaxed means less shifting in place, less downcast eyes, etc.
I understand what you are saying above, I think, orangish. Intellectually you understand who you are and your abilities and weaknesses, and can see yourself pretty clearly, but you feel so much less than that. Is that close?
That’s how I am. I know that I’m good at a lot of things intellectually. And that I have a lot of advantages. But I never really believe it emotionally. I still think I suck at everything, that I’m sad and pathetic. I can accomplish something and feel good about my abilities for a minute, but then, when the slightest thing happens to remind me I suck, my emotional state drops like a stone.
I hope I’m reading you correctly and I hope you are feeling a little better than when you wrote this post.
@weepingangel: Yeah, that’s pretty close. This stuff is tricky to express — emotions are weird. 😛 But I am feeling better than I was. Thanks, man. 🙂