im 40 years old and ive had enough. its pretty strange for me but just recently ive been feeling more accepting to the idea of death. when i was younger i was scared to death of killing myself although ive always wanted to. now i feel hope in that my life may be coming end. im not broke, i have a good job and i have a good place to live. the problem is that life hasnt turned out the way it should have. ive worked hard all my life and ive been well rewarded and ive even had two fantastic kids. i think my problem is that i am useless at forming meaningful rewarding relationships with men or women. i was born with a sleeping disorder which ive struggled with up to the age of 36 when i was finally diagnosed and treated. i feel a lot better now but it has woken me up to what a sad and lonely life i lead. i had a relationship break down with my partner of 12 years after waking to the fact that she is lazy, selfish, spoilt, useless and stupid but apart from that she is a lovely person. now i live with my mum spending my time missing my kids and working. my ex is now wanting to get her hands on the house i built and own and it looks like she might have a chance by using the children as a meal ticket even though we are not married. she has my kids and probably my house. Â i love my kids but im stuck with having to deal with my ex. i can see why fathers forsake their children due to the mother being hell to deal with. its tearing me apart but i dont mind too much because its driving me closer to death. i feel terrible about the affect that my death will have on my kids but im having trouble bearing this life. i would like to think that i will have the courage to hang myself in the not too near future. they say life begins at 40 well i can see that maybe there is a change in outlook and accepting how things will be rather than a new life. Â i cant say im even too sad about the idea of killing myself. i look on this life as a bad holiday….sooner or later you are going to get back on the plane and thats what i want to do. when i look at life like that killing myself just seems like way out of a bad place and not that bigger deal.
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4 comments
afterdeath-
I can completely sympathize with you. Your story could be mine, except that my ex doesn’t want the house (which I can barely affoord now) because it’s “too much work.” I guess I’ve never been afraid of death really. I was a person who never thought they’d live to see 30, then my son came along and I was glad I did. Now, exactly like you, I’m contemplating this selfish action, the first selfish action in a decade, and the only thing that gives me pause is that beautiful little boy.
I’ll say this…maybe to give you pause, maybe more for myself. children of suicides have a much greater chance of committing suicide themselves. So far, it’s the only thing that has stayed my hand. Maybe it will give you pause enough and things will turn around. Maybe not. I wish you peace, whatever way it comes.
Try finding happiness, you can message me if you’d like. I feel as if you’ve been let down and your feelings, thoughts have gotten the best of you. You can find happiness on this earth, you need a friend though. You can message me, please do. Don’t end your life.
Hi Powerless, of course having friends can make life a joy but now I’m 40 people to me are just things I have to deal with to get through the day. I’m resigned to the fact that i’m not a relationship person but thanks for the offer.
Hi scott1971, I’ve always done my best for my kids. My whole life has revolved around them since they were born. I want nothing but the best for them but what is the point if I’m going to lose them to be left with this constant ache of wondering about them. Last night I spoke to them about their mum and they were very supportive towards me, which I was relieved about. They are even prepared to live with me and leave their mother, for a time anyway, which is great news for me and gives me hope. Don’t get me wrong, I think the best place for children is with their mother but in the case of my ex I’m not so sure. I have been saying for ages that I just want it all to end but everyone thought I was talking about the rift with my ex. I’m stuck now with a feeling of uncertainty of how all this is going to play out over the next few weeks. I have to turn up to work and feel like a zombie with a feeling of dred in my stomach all day. My feelings of suicide have been subdued for the time being but I still wish I could flick a switch and it all be over.
Scott: you said ” children of suicides have a much greater chance of committing suicide themselves.” That thought does make me pause but I know my feelings of hopelessness and sadness will probably overwhelm me one day. I do wish for peace and thank you for saying that.