I just want to end it all.

Hi. I’ve tried everything i can to shake myself out of this depression but now i am inclined to think that the only way out is death.

Compared to many of the stories i’ve read sofar, my problem might seem trivial but i can assure you that it is causing me a significant amount of distress. When i was a boy up till high school, i was just like any regular kid. I wasn’t the most popular guy but i had lots of friends and had a good well-balanced life. I was happy and the future seemed so bright and filled with potential.

However, when i hit 16, things started to change. For some reason, i started to become more reserved and shy and less able to communicate with others. Many of my previously good friends started to distance themselves from me. Initially, i was oblivious to all of this happening but i after a year of steadily declining social ability, i finally recognized this problem. I had no idea why this had happened because on the inside, i felt exactly the same as i did a year before.

Eventually, i came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with my voice. Whenever i met new people, they would seem inclined to talk to me until i started speaking, after which they would shy away and find someone else to talk to. I am not sure whether my voice problem initiated my lost of confidence or whether it was the other way round but nevertheless, i became a shy person. It became so bad to the point whereby i felt everyone was turned off by my voice, including my parents whom i had previously had no problems communicating with at all. I became extremely selfconscious and decided to embark on a journey to solve this perceived ‘voice problem’ to no avail. Instead the problem worsened.

Sometimes, i wonder whether it could be just be something i imagined in my head but no. I never had this problem previously up till i was 16 and it was always my voice that caused a conversation to end and people to turn away from me. I could not handle the isolation i felt. Sometimes, i felt that i was the only living human being on earth and that i could not connect with anyone at all. I lost all my dreams and passion and stumbled through life like a zombie.

One day, i told myself i had to wake up and stop feeling so sorry for myself. I decided to ignore having friends and i decided to work on my studies and sports. I gym-ed alot and did really well in my studies. I ignored my ‘perceived’ voice problem and when i felt rejected by someone, i promptly forgot it. That was my defense mechanism.

As time went by, i realized that i could talk normally to people in non-stressful situations and came to a conclusion that my ‘voice problem’ was probably due to anxiety. I managed to make a few good friends and was back to communicating well with the people close to me, although i was still unable to communicate well with people i had just met.

All my hard work paid off and i got into a good university. At that time, i would say that i did a really good job of shutting out my depression and maintaining a positive outlook in life.

One day when i was 21, i started to feel confident enough that i stupidly let down the walls i had so carefully built up around myself till then. I decided to work on the ‘voice problem’ that i had identified years before and had gone on to ignore. This was the worse decision of my life because all the problems that i had experienced 5 years ago when i was 16 started to flood back in. My communication became poorer and poorer and now i dont even feel comfortable in anyone’s presence. I am driving away all my friends that i’ve made in the past few years and the worse thing is i have no desire to work for anything anymore. I am so obsessed with solving this problem and i dont think i can shut it out like i managed to do last time. It is such a terrible feeling to feel like you’re the only person alive and that you can’t relate or share your thoughts with anyone but that is exactly how i feel right now.

Sometimes, i just think of ending it all. I have tried everything but whenever i talk to people, they just turn away. I know its my voice because these are the same ppl who have been my best friends for the past 5 years and they only started behaving like this recently, after my attempt to go back to my ‘voice problem’. I know that this is probably a mental thing but at this moment, i dont see the possibility of this problem every going away and i hate having to go back to what i was 5 years ago. I can see myself doing that now again, by driving away all my friends and the difference between now and then is that i have nothing else to distract myself. i have nomore desire to study hard or play sports and all i think about is ending it. I just want to sleep forever.