I’m done feeling tired and sad all the time. I still laugh when I see Tosh.0, but people don’t understand that I’m not okay even if I do laugh at that. People just don’t understand that the way I act around people is different from the way I feel. I’m not pretty and I wish people would stop saying that I am because I can’t stand them lying to me.
I’m done. I’m done being the fat girl. I’m done being the girl who really does try to lose weight and successfully loses 20 pounds but still doesn’t think they are pretty. I hate choosing not to eat that milkshake with my friends and then sit there and realize that they are eating large milkshakes and burgers and fries and they fit in a size 0. Then there is me in a 14/16. . The girl who eats celery and sugar free iced tea every day. The one who is trying to get over her past life while she is trying to make it through her present life.
I’m done feeling guilty for being sexually abused. I’m done feeling like it was my fault.. It was my fault that my own father… my very own father sexually abused me. It is my fault.. and I know it. It is my fault that I didn’t do anything… that I wasn’t strong enough to do anything. I was so stupid and i guess I did this to myself. I want to say I didn’t deserve it, but maybe I did. I’m done trying to get through life with people all around me telling me all about their amazing fathers. I’m done thinking about my friends actually understanding what it is like to not have a dad. I wonder what they would think if I told them that I thought i too had a father.. until I didn’t. I’ve been told to forgive and forget. But tell me, how can I forgive my biological father for doing what he did to me? Am I crazy for not forgiving him?
I’m done being me. I’m done trying to get help. All day i have said things on Tumblr and facebook.. trying to get help. But people are more interested in their boyfriends/girlfriends. I’m finished with the feeling that i am all alone. I’m done trying to change. I’m done trying to get a celebrity’s attention. I’m done with going to school. Plain and simple… i’m done. I’m just done.
I’m done with all of these things, but most of all… I am done being alive. If someone could help… I don’t even know what would happen. I’m scared for tonight. I’m scared of what I will do. I’m scared of not being able to become a doctor or helping people. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared nobody will come to my funeral. I’m just scared. But, be comforted everyone… I will be donating all of my organs.. skin, eyes, brain, nails, hair, and all.. to people who need it. These people will live.. and that means more than me being alive.
9 comments
Did you just say you may have deserved to be sexually abuse? You’re CRAZY of course you didn’t deserve that, and it isn’t your fault. Not that it happened and not that you can’t forgive him. Don’t be done you’re not happy about your weight/appearance? Well i’ll tell you the same thing i’ve told other people here it’s the person you are that makes you beautiful not what you look like, but even if it is something that will continue to bother you it IS something that CAN change. You’re not going to be overweight for the rest of your life, you can work to change it.
Seek help, talk to someone about your problems. There are plenty of people here that will listen attentively to what you have to say, you’re not alone. Don’t let life beat you down, get up wipe yourself off and keep going, you’ll be stronger for it in the end. You said you wanted to be a doctor? Great, you have a goal work to achieve it. Don’t let happiness escape you grasp, hold of it and make it yours.
Hope you make it through tonight, much love. : )
It’s your fault? WHAT? In what world is it your fault your father was sick enough to do something like that to you? You had no control over it, you did nothing to deserve it, and if anyone should be punished, it’s him.
I tried suicide- more people cared about me than I thought, and so many bad things would have happened if I’d died.
My best freind wouldn’t have been far behind me; if I hadn’t chosen to live, she wouldn’t have either. You never know when you’ll be needed, and dying can affect so many people around you, even those you don’t know yet.
Anything else I was going to say was said by Scar, so just know I second it.
Its not your fault that your father abused you. It is no ones fault when they get abused by other people
I really hope you do become a doctor you deserve it
Why would you post that? Most people abused by their fathers wouldn’t bring it up on a public forum like that. This site confuses me… Anyway, I think you might want to get your thyroid checked out, if you are dieting and eating well on top of exercise it might have something to do with your metabolism being jacked. That is hard to watch people be comfortable in their own skin and not have to consciously track every calorie. You KNOW the abuse was not your fault so- knock that off.. You’re smarter than that, and you know that things will get better. They always do. You gotta love yourself as if it was not you, but a best friend. I’m sure you are a great friend to have- be kind to yourself and keep going towards your goals. That is how you win. Go win.
You need to report your father to the police and beat his sorry ass. You shouldn’t forgive him. That is an unforgivable act. It’s something no man should be forgiven for. Especially to his daughter. And you, that’s probably what started your shitstorm. Don’t try to get other people to help you through facebook, it’s shit. Talk to people who you usually talk to. Make a real friend. Find someone who can actually relate to you and you can actually talk to them openly and not be afraid. Find someone you trust. For now, you can settle with us online. But you need to grow, hun.
Good job, eating healthy and all. I’m a big girl too. And guess what? Since moving away from my parents for college, I’ve gone down two pants sizes. I’m a 10 now and on my way to an 8. Why? Because I’m not around those fucktards. So forget about your weight, forget it! It’s a temporary problem. By the time you are living by yourself, away from your problems, you can start doing more to get rid of it. So forget it! You don’t need to worry right now.
Your life will get better. You just need to work on making yourself happy. You. Not them, just you. Do what you want to do to make yourself happy. Do that, and it’ll be magical.
My dad abuses me too. I don’t think anyone deserves to feel this way. I don’t think your crazy for not forgiving him. How could you after what he did? I ask myself if i am too weak all the time. I don’t know if i’m were too weak. But I highly doubt you were. Sometimes there is just now way for you to stop it. Sometimes they are just stronger.
I’m sorry these things happened to you. I give you props for losing what you have already and I hope you stay healthy and just know that you should never change yourself because of others. You can be healthy w/out being a size 0 because sometimes they are the ones that aren’t healthy. And if they are your true friends they love you for you. whatever you do make sure it is for urself and no one else.
I understand how it feels when everyone is too busy w/ their bf/gf. I know for me i hate seeing other ppl all around me so happy and i feel like i’m completely alone and insignificant. But then i come here and i know there are other ppl going thorugh similar things and at least some of them understand this feeling i can’t label. Just know that ppl on here can really help sometimes. I hope u think about a few things and get to a better point in your life. feel free to e-mail me anytime. A bunch of ppl have it and i think it’s on here somewhere. If not just comment on here and i’ll give it to you. I hope I or someone else can help you.
🙂 Best of luck babe – Ash <3
Are you kidding me? Why would you ask this person why she posted something about her abuse? Did you ever think that maybe this was the first place she has ever felt comfortable admitting it? Did you ever think that maybe she normally doesn’t tell people about it but she was overwhelmed last night and needed to talk to somebody? Your first comment pissed me off so just stop and think about how you would feel if you posted this piece and someone commented what you did. This girl.. because of what you said.. will probably never have the guts to tell anybody. So if she is dead this morning, it may just be because of you making her feel like crap for saying what she felt.
yup .. gamergirl could have kept her ignorant remark to herself