i hate myself. like actually hate myself. i want to end it all but the only thing that stops me is my little sister.
my name is Abi. 18 years old. I’m a *****.
every time i get close with a guy i get terrified for no fucking reason. I can’t commit. ever. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I want one sometimes but then i get too close and freak out. This has happened so many times and every guy it’s happened with ends up hating me and all their friends do. i feel broken. why cant i have a simple relationship without getting freaked out? why does everybody hate me?
i’m a virgin. furthest i’ve gone is kiss a guy and people hate me for it! they call me a tease. they don’t understand me and now i feel like a complete freak.
i have no where to go. no one to talk to. it fucking hurts. i just want the pain of feeling like this to go away!
i shouldn’t feel like a slut but i do!
they say i use guys. i don’t mean to but nobody understands.
i get flirtatious to the point where i feel like i can’t control myself but they don’t get that. everyone says i should be able to. I just get in these random moods where i become highly sexual and feel horny constantly but instead of a literal fuck i dish out mental mind fucks.
i’ve tried to kill myself before but lately the feeling is getting overwhelming.
also someone i felt like i was in love with hates me to the point where he warns other guys about me. my reputation is awful.
this isn’t coherent in the slightest but I’m just writing things that are coming out of my head. no filter.
i feel like a less prettier more fucked up version of summer in 500 days of summer. I hate myself and i hate what I’m doing to people but no matter what i try i can’t seem to control myself.
is there anybody that understands? i feel so alone and worthless and helpless and empty.
57 comments
I personally believe that I destroy every relationship I’m in, every friendship too! I think I do this do I can hurt them before they hurt me!!’ seems logical, lonley, but logical!!!
i don’t even think that. i just get this fear and i dont know what to do about it so i push away, but then i get in one of these wild moods and end up getting close to them again and then gets scared again. it’s like an endless out of control cycle until they’re worn out and broken and i’m left feeling alone and like a *****. I don’t know what to do about it.
Trust me abi im just like u except im a guy and ninteen apart from that farely close to exactly what uve said except i dont know summer in 500 days of summer. i actually just created a post called construction that i was contemplaiting creating a different persona to use arround women and the like. it sucks that the guys have given u a bad rep but fuck them, u know ur not what they say u are and thats all that matters is ur oppinion, fuck the wankers that wernt good enough for you, take ur time and eventually ull meet the guy that u wont just mind fuck, or if u do hell be able to manage that, at least thats what im holding out for (a female vertion that is :-p)
Well, I think the only way to break a vicious cycle is to reinvent. You know, leve everything behind that keeps you in this cycle! It might be hard to do, but is staying in this cycle of events any better?
“I personally believe that I destroy every relationship I’m in, every friendship too! I think I do this do I can hurt them before they hurt me!!’ seems logical, lonley, but logical!!!”
what do you exactly gain from doing this ?
i dont know how to break it. how to reinvent. the only thing i can actually think of is moving away to somewhere where people dont know me and i can start again. However, i’m not able to do that :/
Hey, you’re not alone in your fear, okay? I have the same kind of fear. I think that, possibly, you haven’t met someone you are able to feel comfortable around, yet. Comfortable enough to let your guard down. Don’t worry about being a virgin at 18. Concentrate on finding someone that you can have an emotional connection with first. It would help if you felt secure enough to express your feelings and thoughts to that person before you moved on to the next step. I think you may be afraid of being hurt if you get too close. Maybe from being hurt in the past? There’s always a reason you get terrified, you just haven’t realized why yet or you don’t want to admit it. To either yourself or to others. Could be because you don’t want to be judged or criticized or humiliated. I’m sorry for assuming; and if I’m wrong, say so. I’m just coming at this from personal experience.
As for flirting, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But it does kind of give out mixed signals. Could just be the kind of person you are. I would suggest not worrying about the opinions of others so much. After all, you know the real you. Apparently they don’t, so how can their judgement of you count? Remember you’re not alone, you definitely aren’t worthless, or helpless. Give yourself a chance.
thanks for your comment. i read it, it’s a good idea to be honest idk if i’d be able to do it… or maybe i do it already without myself even realising. thanks for your comment though i really appreciate it and knowing that someone out there feels the same as me makes me feel a little less lonely
@ truthbetold
The satisfaction of knowing I hurt them before they get the chance to hurt me
@almost good enough
I know a girl with a similar mindset .. as long as you’re ok with growing old, miserable and lonely
i had panic attacks once too, the only way to fight them of is to face them.
how does it feel? adrenalin+fast hart rate+cold sweating+breathing problems?
if that is the case than it is a classic panic attack and you need to try again and again and increase the duration every time then those effects will finally go away.
@Procel
girls tend to play 10x more games with a guy they really like and switch to victim mode when he’s lost interest
“I can’t believe he stopped loving me .. boo hoo poor me etc”
@beatenup did you mean to post here? i never mentioned panic attacks. I do happen to suffer with anxiety attacks but they never feel like that, i get stabbing and shooting pains in my chest and can’t breath properly for a few minutes.
but i do feel like that whenever someone mentions the phrase “will you go out with me?” haha
@truthbetold
Lonley, yes. Miserable, no. I find keeping a new set of “hanger on’ers” around me keeps me and my work lively and fresh! Just don’t get to close or your likely to get caught up in this mess that swirls around me, and more than likely I’m going to end up hurting you.
thanks for the clarification there is always something new to learn.
yes i did mean to post here. hmm the symptoms described by wikipedia sound like what i what my understanding of a panic attack was.
well at least you should not blame yourself for having that it is not your fault.
i was afraid of using trains – well my mind knew that there is nothing to be worried about but my body didn’t kind of awkward.
they dont seem to look at it that way though. To them, i’m a manipulative ***** who enjoys playing with guys emotions. They don’t even try to look at where i’m coming from.
guys invest time, money and other efforts just to have sex as fast as possible.
they get frustrated if they don’t reach their goal.
one situation which often comes up is:
guy1: i have a new girlfriend
guy2: you already laid here
guy1: no, but i am working on it
i could work on it whenever i wanted (trains are available 24/7) your situation is more difficult to solve i guess because you need to find one who knows about your situation and is willing to wait.
@beatenup i’ve had people that are willing to wait. one guy waited for 7 months for me to be in a relationship with him. He still would have probably waited but i told him i know it probably is never going to happen. Guys have waited for ages for me but i dont give them anything but the cycle i’ve explained in one of the comments above. I end up hating myself and the way i behave but at the time its uncontrollable.
don’t hate yourself for behaving like that, as you said yourself it is not under your control. it was the same with me & trains.
Do you have a special situation in which anxiety is triggered?
They don’t see it like that.
No not really… a lot of the time i get anxiety attacks just before i sleep.
time to be honest with them and let them know all you want from them is ATTENTION
there are many ways i could gain attention. i get attention everywhere i go. im 6ft so im in no shortage of attention, trust me.
They don’t see it like that. -> then they are stupid
So there is no special situation which will always trigger an anxiety attack when you are with your boyfriend? If there where such a situation then you could repeat that situation over and over again until the brain has learned that there is nothing to worry about.
>> No not really… a lot of the time i get anxiety attacks just before i sleep.
What are your thoughts right before the attack sets on? Are they related to your relationships?
ahem .. would you say you’re scared of being abandoned by a guy and not being able to get over it ?
why should she lie about her feelings – we are anonymous here
@truthbetold maybe i don’t know. i think every girl is scared of that.
From wikipedia:
Trait anxiety:
Anxiety can be either a short term ‘state’ or a long term “trait.” Trait anxiety reflects a stable tendency to respond with state anxiety in the anticipation of threatening situations.
Stranger and social anxiety:
Humans are, naturally, a social species who generally require social acceptance. Therefore, because of the importance of being accepted among society and conforming to its rules and norms, humans dread the disapproval of others. It is this apprehension of being judged by others that is the basic cause of the anxiety one may feel in a social environment.
my was the first one may be yours is the other – dont know
“why should she lie about her feelings – we are anonymous here”
where do you see me asking her to do that ?
@beatenup i dont feel anxious around people. there isn’t a trigger. i just have random attacks. once every 2-3 days thats all. the way i feel when someone likes me and they want to be with me isn’t how i feel when i have an anxiety attack.
truthbetold >> “time to be honest with them and let them know all you want from them is ATTENTION”
thevirginalslut >> I’ve never had a boyfriend. I want one sometimes but then i get too close and freak out.
well you need to figure out the reason for your anxiety before you can fight it
I’m NOT encouraging her to lie about her feelings
what I was trying to say is: if she doesn’t want to end up being hated, she has to let them know she can only handle attention from them (and not intimacy)
@thevirginal – I meant to ask you before, do you have any close friends? Are you close to anyone besides your little sister?
@thegoodgirl in all honesty no. i’ve never had friends that i’ve grown up with because i’ve moved seven times in different regions since i was little. i have friends but not super close.
Oh, that must have been rough moving so many times. It’s difficult to make close friends when you’re constantly being uprooted. Does that have anything to do with why you find it difficult to form attachments with guys?
i dont know, probably. The only thing i can think of thats probably affected me is my dad. He was an alcoholic and as a child i used to see him beat up my mom and sometimes he used to take his anger out on me. deep down i know this is probably whats causing me to get freaked out by relationships but i dont know how to get past it. i want to stop behaving like this with guys and get over the situation with my dad.
Seeing your dad get drunk and abuse your mom (and even getting abused yourself) is traumatic. Yeah, I’d say that would be a reason for you to get freaked out by relationships. It could be one of the reasons, like I said earlier, there could be other reasons that you haven’t even considered yet. But, all I can really say, is that you have to give yourself time to work through this and get over it. It’s not going to happen overnight. I would suggest talking to a counselor or psychologist, but if you don’t want to go that route, perhaps you could open up on here, if you feel up to it. It might help you to talk about it with people who will understand and not judge. It might help you form connections with others through trust. I think you’re headed in the right direction by realizing what you’re doing and that you’d like to change it.
Find something that you’re really good at. Ping Pong, bowling, shooting billiards, whatever.
You don’t have to be pretty to be an athlete, just good at what you do.
There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian, either. Good luck.
@lucy4; Lesbian? haha, she didn’t say she was a lesbian. Are you drunk?
@ TheGoodGirl; Hello Sweetheart. I’m just trying to be helpful. Kindly disregard my gibberish.
What do I know? (nothing). With free advice you get what you’re paying for. I was reading between the lines. I think she would make a great athlete.
@lucy4; Hello 🙂 There was nothing wrong with your advice, I just didn’t know where you got ‘lesbian’ from. I suppose you could read that into what she wrote, but I don’t think it’s about being unattracted to guys. Then again, I don’t know if I should be speaking for someone I don’t personally know.
@ TheGoodGirl; Sorry for the late response. A friend called. I talked until my battery died. He just bought a Subaru. Kewl guy. Never underestimate the beauty of all wheel drive. Maybe I am drunk. Maybe I can’t believe the 9ers beat GB today. Maybe I should go to sleep. Nah, F that. I’m gonna have another beer and lurk. It’s nice to see you, by the way. 🙂
@lucy4; That’s alright, I was away from the laptop anyway. A Subaru, eh? I know nothing of cars, had to use Google for that one. 😉 I didn’t watch the 9ers v. GB game. Thanks for telling me who won. Beer… drink of lurking champions. Got any food to go with that beer? It’s nice to ‘see’ you too. :]
@TheGoodGirl; I’m surviving on oxygen mostly. Denver is actually beating Pittsburgh right now if you can believe that. This is why I don’t speak much. Hmm. Del Taco is still open. You guys have Del Taco in NJ? It’s pretty good.
Holy Cow!! Denver 31 Pitt 19
WOW!!!
Well, oxygen is okay, but I’d rather have some pizza. Denver beating Pittsburgh?! Hm, what quarter is it? I can’t stand Roethlisberger’s beady eyes. Dude creeps me out. I’ve never seen a Del Taco around where I am, just Taco Bell. I had to find out if there’s a Del Taco here… apparently there’s one in Stratford, NJ… that would take me about an hour to get to. haha. Taco Bell is much closer. There are other tacos places, though.
@TheGoodGirl; You can so not go wrong with the Del Taco menu. This might be the secret to life.
Denver won.
Watch out for San Francisco this year.
I am drunk. Don’t listen to anything I said.
Goodnight Kitty Kat.
Mwuuwah.
Haha, okay, goodnight you drunken taco loving shark. Sweet dreams. Meow 😉
Oh, sorry, thevirginalsl .. nope can’t find it in me to call you a slut .. anyway, sorry for hijacking your thread.
@GG – i knew there was a reason i liked you so much – i detest rapistburger and the squealers – fyi – i been lazy and hanging out in the chat lately.
flighty dawg
@truthbetold sorry for my late reply – i fell asleep yesterday.
well then we are on the same page. uhm English is not my native language so i don’t get everything right especially if i have to read between the lines. i have to stop interpreting too much instead i should take the time and ask.
@thevirginalslut
>>”He was an alcoholic and as a child i used to see him beat up my mom and sometimes he used to take his anger out on me.”
That makes more than enough sense to me. usually psychologists look for traumatic experiences (often in the childhood).
>>”deep down i know this is probably whats causing me to get freaked out by relationships”
That is a strong indicator that you already figured out the reason.
>> ” but i don’t know how to get past it”
the way to get past that is to think deeply about “the reason” and listen to your “inside” while doing so and in the process learn about yourself (process the “the reason” come up with conclusions and finally get over it).
As TheGoodGirl suggested visiting a psychologist will speed up that process despite the fact that i don’t believe that psychology is a deterministic science (more like making educated guesses) but sometimes may be even most of the times they are right.
p.s.: if possible then please stay away from medications the only thing they do is suppress problems but they don’t solve them.
yours beatenup
We learn how to form relationships with others from an early age not only from our own relationship with primary caregivers (parents) but by watching their relationship with eachother. What their relationship with eachother is, dictates how we handle future relationships. If theirs is a bad one ours could turn out like that as we percieve it as normal, you could be trying (subconciously) to recreate disfunctional relationships because thats what u know. Also the trouble forming intamacy with others usually comes from either one of two places a fear of getting hurt due to past trauma or a lack of experience with intamacy which leaves u unsure and unable to create intamacy. I think both aply to you. Tge only way to change is to confront your bad experience with ur parents either through counceling or an actuall confrontation, then what u need is practice with intamacy, for you that requires explaining to the guy ur problems with letting him in and ur feer of getting hurt. He will hopefully understand and stay with u and coach u into trusting people. U will get hurt eventually but u cant avoid it. Without the hurt the love looses meaning.
thanks to all who have commented. it really means a lot to me all your advice.
i’ve spoken to a councellor but it just makes me feel worse. i’ve confronted my dad but he always manages to twist things and say that it was me that made him do it and that just makes me fee a bit crap too. So, i don’t speak to him anymore.
i just find that now, instead of hurting myself, im scared of hurting the guy i’m with and everyone hating me.
There’s a guy that’s admitted he likes me, i met him 2 years ago and ended up pushing away from him but we got back in contact. i really really like him, and im terrified of him ending up like the others. but i always convince myself that whats happened before isn’t going to repeat itself. He lives 3 hours away and is 22 so he doesn’t know about my reputation.
i feel like nobody know the real me and with this guy i’m able to be honest with him and tell him what i think without him being told “don’t go there, she’ll only mess you around and play you” because i feel i am able to be myself and not prove to everyone that i’m not what they say i am. Plus he’s more mature than the guys before so i feel like he’ll understand but im still scared it will happen because i really do like him.
i spoke to someone who this has recently happened with last night. I looked at him as my best friend and had never told him i wanted to be with him but he’s told me he’s ended up falling in love with me and all that :/ we got into an argument and hadn’t been speaking so he said this to me: this whole thing is eating me alive. i don’t think either of us understands each other’s view points and to leave it as that now isn’t going to help want to talk it through properly and help each other to understand one another?
he told me what was wrong with him and why he was angry and i knew why because i’d heard it all before. Like i said, this was my best friend and i felt extremely comfortable with him. However, i feel to a certain extent i have a constant guard up around everyone. he wanted to understand me. so i typed everything that was coming out of my head. i told him about my abuse, i told him how i’m terrified of getting hurt and more so of hurting other people. i told him how i feel on a daily basis and it’s actually worked out okay. He says he understand more now. There was this one sentence i used: it feels like im punishing guys for what my dad did to me, i know its stupid but thats how it feels sometimes.
i guess i just have to get used to getting hurt in life. It’s just i was hurt so many times as a child i’m just sick of it.
thank you all for reading and commenting, you’re all gems.
@lucy4 i have found something im good at. i act, sing and write. I also draw portraits. the feeling i get when i act or write is just so cathartic because most of the time i find a trace of myself in the character and i’m able to work out the issues. i think the feeling of worthlessness and all that is probably brought on by me still being in the summer holidays and not being able to act with my classmates. I have however written a play that i hope my class will be able to perform for our final production, i’ve sent it to a few of my classmates and they’re really hyped up about it. One of the girls written has a similar backstory to mine so it was incredibly cathartic to write.
you guessed right, i am athletic but recently i have found out i have exercise induced asthma and i can hardly do 2 minutes of running now without having an asthma attack so all my athletics is out of my life now.
and as for the lesbian thing. i dont think i would ever be a lesbian. i think girls are beautiful to look at and most of my portraits are of women. i also have plenty of friends who are lesbian but i just dont feel myself sexually attracted to them like i am with men.
hurray!!! finally something positive today.
yes it sounds like you are on the right track.
give a fuck about what others think or say about you!
get some mature guy who understands your situation and is willing to take on that journey. (the daughter of my mothers sister had similar relationship problems and finally she ended up with a older guy and is happy with him.)
let your guard down, be honest right from the start.
take it slow so you feel comfortable.
don’t be afraid if it does not work because he knew right from the start what the deal was.
there are guys who are willing to take such a journey and you will find them.
i wish you all the luck, but i think you won’t need it anymore.
yours beatenup
thankyou so much! everyone! i only found this site through chance yesterday and now i actually feel a bit better. You’re all better than any psychologists i’ve ever met! Seriously anyone who feels depressed should know about this site, i feel it would help so many people. i don’t think i can thank people enough for putting up with my ramblings. It means a lot and now i don’t feel so alone. I’ll keep an update of what happens with this guy and hopefully (hope i’m not asking for too much here) you’ll all be able to help me out with my fears and maybe this time it’ll work.
I can’t thank you all enough. Especially beatenup, procel, thegoodgirl. You’re diamonds.
you are welcome,
feels good to be useful too, thanks for that.
yours beatenup
Well i hope it works out with him nd u better keep us updated!
@thevirginal – I’m really happy that you feel better and less alone and that we were able to help you. :] That’s what this site is for. I’m glad you found it; must have been meant to be. Keep posting and keep us updated. Good luck with this guy you’re interested in. I hope it works out. Don’t be afraid to be honest and open. You’re a gem too.