It’s not fair… but I know I went too far

I’ve just done it again. Lost my temper at something so insignificant that it shouldn’t matter. Basically what happened was my sister was complaining about how much her life sucks and that mum and dad are so horrible to her (trust me, they aren’t) and all that and I just lost it. It’s not even because I’m pissed at her saying it, I mean I did the same type of thing at her age, but I’m just so jealous. I’ve always been jealous of her, I mean why shouldn’t I be? She’s the popular, normal, pretty one that everyone wanted to be around and I was (up until last year) the overweight nerd who only had a few real friends. Even now that I’ve lost the weight and have more friends, I’m still extremely jealous. Jealous that she has such a good life that she thinks these things are so big, jealous that she has always had a good relationship with the family where as bad things needed to happen before I got their support and acceptance, jealous that she was the “perfect” daughter because she was sporty and arty like my brother (things my parents value), jealous that she has everyone’s attention all the time because I can “deal with things better” and therefore do not need attention and just all around jealous. Anyway back to the main topic, she was complaining and I snapped. I started screaming about all the things I went through and the aftermath that’s going on now and went to say that part of it was her fault. Well it’s kind of true, most of the bullying I went through as a kid was reinforced by her, but I mean she was just a kid too. I know she didn’t mean it. Anyway as I was yelling, my brother (who I haven’t been talking to) tried to intervene and rightfully stick up for my sister and I just started snapping at him about all the shit he has done to me and said if it wasn’t for him, the only bad thing I would have gone through is criticism. He snapped back that he has apologised and apologised and tried to make things right and it’s not enough for me, which is right. I mean the little things he did I can get over, but there’s some big things he has done (as recently as last week) which I just am sick of excusing. Anyway in the end, I went too far and blamed him for something that wasn’t his fault and now he’s stormed off and everyone’s mad at me. I really didn’t mean it, I’m just so frustrated that all of this has happened to me and he just happened to be there as a scapegoat :/ I really hope he comes back so I can apologise, but I just feel so crappy right now 🙁 this is probably why people hate me and bad things happen to me. Karma. I just hope it’s all okay in the end…

CPC