I don’t quite know what to say here. I’ve never been a blogger. That is, if this qualifies as a blog. I guess if I were to get to the main subject of this, I’d simply say that I’m depressed. Like most here, I’m one of the ones who hates having to act happy, always having the sadness weighing me down at the edge of my consciousness. The only relief I find comes from sleep, and I tend to not get much of that these days. Thank you, school. I would homeschool, or better yet drop out completely, but I don’t have the spirit. I’ve been trying with my whole heart to kill myself, however today was a huge heartbreak in that area. I was reading up on overdosage on sleeping pills, advil, etc. and found that not only is there a large chance that I will not be successful, it will also cause me great, horrible pain as my livers fail. As I tried to get a grip by inflicting pain on myself, I caught myself wondering how I could be this kind of girl, who had no idea who she was.
She came from a life where sadness was nonexistent. Somehow thrown into a world that she hated for no reason. As her hate grew stronger, her depression did the same. She took to downing pills, thinking that they would act as a placebo and calm her down, though they did no such thing. After a year of this routine, she came to the conclusion that she no longer did things out of anger, but confusion. When she was confused, and had no fragment of a thought in her mind, save the ones telling her how lovely it would be to stare death in the face; these were the thoughts that gave her a sick smile. She would half-laugh, half-cry, convinced that she was crazy. That was the confusion. A confusion so overwhelming that there was no way for her to react without wondering what the hell was wrong with her. So she gave herself a hard slap. Then more, a punch in the stomach. Ridges appeared from where she dug her long nails into the skin of her wrist. The stash of pills was calling, but she had the great realization that they would only cause her so much more pain than the pain that was happening in her mind, her heart.
And now a blog. A blog that may or may not be entirely stupid, but I don’t care anymore.
Does anyone know a painless way to commit suicide? I know that it’s asking for a miracle, but what can I say? I don’t want to be unsuccessful if I do attempt, and have everyone treating me like glass from now on.
I am currently doing a great amount of sighing. Trying to sort things in my mind, separate reasons to live from reasons to die, is all very saddening and tiring and leaves me feeling the opposite of hope. I am 15, a girl, and have had severe depression for about a year and a half. I’m hoping to talk to anyone who’s willing.
10 comments
First, please don’t hurt yourself people do care about you even when you don’t think so. I am twice your age and am still struggling because when I was 18 I tried to kill myself and never followed up with the help they suggested. I then became an alcoholic until I was 26. All because I ruined a relationship with my one true love and felt invisible to my family. I am sober for 4 years now, but got into getting tattoos. It was such a rush that I have full sleeves now. Trying to get work was tough and I fell back into a depression now that I moved back home again. I know how you feel right now, but you have so much time to change it, change things for the good. Just think in a few years you will be an adult and you can do anything you want to in the world. ANYTHING you put your mind to. Be a counselor and help people like us. I’m sure you a great person and your life is worth so much.
louis50, You are very nice. I am slowly beginning to grasp that there is indeed no quick, easy way out. If I really want to leave this world I will have to be sure. I know there is no coming back, and there are still things I look forward too, though they seem far away. Do you think that I need “happy pills”? I’ve been wondering if they would help me be able to enjoy life more, and stop any anxiety attacks or suicidal thoughts. Another thing is that I would have no idea how to ask my mother. Also if I did start getting them, I think my dad would find out about my depression, an then I’d have a bigger problem than I began with.
Danieljmwaters, everyone tells me it will get better, but I feel honestly lost on that subject. I hope to end highschool as quickly as possible, and although I am aware that these four years are only a small fraction of my life, I know that they will have the most affect on me. As to what I will do when I get out, I am completely in a fog. All my life, I have wanted to be an actress. I’ve taken ten years worth of classes so far, and it is the only thing that I am good at. However, yesterday, after my first real audition, I was rejected. It stung. I know that this is probably the first of many auditions in my career, and that people seldom make it on their first try, but it stung. I feel ashamed, and definitely do not want to attend my acting class tomorrow out of sheer embarassment. In regards to college, I am positive that after my highschool experience, I will want nothing to do with college. I have heard that it is different, there are parties, but I’m kind of awkward. Would not do well at parties.
regret150, I don’t think I’m quite the person you think I am. I have many friends in school, but most people I just do not understand, which makes me feel awkward and even more out of place. I have been playing the happy-nice-girl for years, which is tiring. I love dresses, I’m not goth, and I have friends. I shouldn’t be the person I am inside, which makes me feel horrible and deceptive. I have a couple very close friends, and we talk about our depresion sometimes, because I guess everyones is different. We talk about our different stressors and things that we do to handle them. We have interesting thoughts, make good points, and list all the things that we wish would “go away”. We just have no idea what to do.
The world gets better with time from my experience.
I have lived with depression and almost died from painkillers (and you are right it is extremely slow and very painful).
But death is final you will never know who you are and what you can become if you die.
I am aware this sounds pretty dumb but in the end it is a fact.
Something brought me to this page and i made this account to say there is something out there for you. Something you are made for you just have to find it…
I know what it is like when everything is grey around you and nothing is real but pain.
Someone in this world hears you and is asking you to fight for yourself.
Hi Kann. I used to do a fair bit of sighing in class when I was in school ( a long long time ago, lol). People would laugh. I guess I was ’emo’ before that became a word, or a recognised phenomenon.
A year and a half of depression at your age…man, that really sucks. I never had such a long episode until very recently. It ground me down to the point where I began to obsess about suicide, and that’s how I found myself on SP. When you’re fifteen, a year and a half feels like forever. Reading so many posts from young people here I think something is horribly wrong with society today. It seems there is definitely more mental illness among the young than back in the 70’s when I was a teen.
Regarding suicide. IMO there is NO painless, easy exit. If there was, most of the posters on this site would not be here now…I certainly would not.
The confusion you speak of definitely goes with the territory of being a teenager. You are trying to find your place in the world at a time when you don’t even know or understand who you really are. But confusion is an honest reaction of a genuine person who is seeking answers. While it sucks to go through it, it is a good sign IMO. Many many people in this world would benefit from experiencing a bit more honest confusion. Instead they run from it, burying themselves in all kinds of addictions, distractions and compensations. Your admission of confusion actually gives me a lot of hope for you Kann.
I had no clue who I was at your age, indeed it took me many years to attain any kind of real self-knowledge. Nor can I say ‘look at me now, I’ve got it sorted’. I still make all kinds of embarrassing mistakes, but I have discovered from the recesses of my bruised and battered heart that I have some kind of faith in humanity itself. That probably helps me more than anything, when the chips are down.
Life’s a journey. I hope you can find the strength and courage to continue down your own unique path sweetheart. There is every chance that it will get better.
Zoe x
Hey Kann,
I know the kind of girl you are. You said so in your post. I was the same way in high school. Played 2 sports, voted most popular, dated a pretty girl, came from a good family, went to church every Sunday. It gets old playing “happy nice person” all the time doesn’t it. I could not figure anyone out in high school except the one girl I dated. It doesn’t matter what kind of person we are, depression and anxiety can attack anyone, and at that time in my life I didn’t know what to do so I tried to kill myself. You don’t have to do that! It gets us no where. There are people out there that can help you. it may be scared to talk to your parents but does your school offer some kind of counseling? If not I hope your parents would rather know about your depression and have you alive in counseling than not have you at all. I only tell you about my mistakes so maybe you can not go down the path I chose.
regret150, I did one session of counseling, and though I did not feel depressed for the following couple of months, I don’t think it was as much the counseling helping as it was me not wanting to let my mom down.
that might be true, but it also might have helped to say out loud to a professional what is going on inside you. Also, I am sure you get sick of hearing this, but your age is playing a big factor in all this. There is so much going on High School and everyone treats it like the end all be all. When in fact you will all graduate and move on to your own unique lives after. Just try to each day tell yourself you are worth it and what ever it is that I am here for I will find it soon. There are only a few people from HS I still speak to, one is a businessman in Boston, another a surfer girl in California, another is a construction worker, and the other guys wife left him and he fell into a deep depression and moved back home with his parents. My point is everyone really does go off into different areas. Until facebook no one stayed in touch. You can do so much too. Do you have any siblings?
Yes, regret150. One is very nice and one is very mean. Both don’t live at home anymore.
I have two siblings too. One doesn’t understand me so he stays away, but my sister and I still talk. It is her kids that are keeping me going. They are so innocent. Id hate for them to grow up and find out I checked out and could have been apart of their lives. Or I look into my sisters eyes and she says she just couldn’t handle it, please stay here for here. One good sibling is a good start, I guess you don’t get to see them much though??
regret150, No I don’t see her much. But she loves me and was the first one that I talked to about my depression. We still discuss it. I would hate it if she were to just suddenly find out that I was gone.