I’ve wanted to do this for so long. I know that there are some people out there who genuinely care for me, but most don’t. I live in a small minded world full of shallow people. I don’t want to be part of it. In six days I leave on a trip that is supposed to last four days. What everyone doesn’t know: I’m not coming back. I hope I can go through with it. I’ve been planning it for two months. I am tired of living and seeing all of these happy faces. I have tried to reach out… make human contact… something, anything. Still my silent screams go unheard. I am very good at hiding my pain- when I show it… it becomes made into a joke or people think I need professional help. FUCK the professional help. I shouldn’t have to pay someone to be there for me. Nobody has ever paid me to be there for them. I seem to attract users, leeches, plagues to society… and I stuck with them because I’m loyal. Because I didn’t want to be alone. But everyone moves on when they find something else, something new, something or someone that isn’t you. Anything and everything that would be better than you.
I’ve given up. In six days I will sink into the bottom of the pacific ocean.
I can’t get close to people. Everytime I do I get hurt. Every god damn time I get hurt. I want to kill them all, but I won’t. I’m better than that. I’ll inflict that damage upon myself instead.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved, but nobody could do it- not properly. Not unconditionally. There has always been a condition. I want to move on. To be set free. To live in a world free of this fleshy prison. I’ve made all the wrong choices. I quit college. I spent my childhood alone. I’ve spent my adulthood alone.
I am 27 years old, at least I would have been in 2 months time.
This dark shadow has loomed over my shoulder for far too long. It wins. Whatever dark force at work keeping my from my happiness for all of these years, wins. I can’t fight anymore. I hope the few who did hold me dear forgives me and can see that I had no other options left.
What people don’t tend to realize that even if you’ve never physically killed a person. You can kill their soul, regardless you’re still guilty of murder. Every time you stab a friend in the back, everytime you cheat and lie, you murder. Your fingerprints are all over the soul you’ve destroyed.
19 comments
I can relate to the way you’re feeling. I wish i could sink into the middle of the Pacific ocean with you.
Don’t get me wrong- I wish things could work out differently. There’s plenty of stuff left in the world I’d like to do. But it’s not worth it- and anyone who says that it is- is happy and has never experienced how we view the world.
>>>>” But everyone moves on when they find something else, something new, something or someone that isn’t you. Anything and everything that would be better than you.”<<<<
this i very much can relate to. i admit to making mistakes in my relationship, but my heart was never disloyal. she has decided that she is better off now without me. my wife, whom i promised to love forever and more, decided to choose differently. i don;t wish any harm to her whatsoever, but the pain she has caused me in the last year is far too much to endure any longer.
i am guilty of "leaving my fingerprints" on her wounded soul… but my heart has always been hers.
if i could do it in six days i would, but i have to wait. i promised her that i would save her from the financial ruin of our mortgage. so until i sell the house and remove her name from the loan, i am stuck here… a prisoner of my own promises.
i don't know your pain specifically, but i do know my own. i am sorry you have reached that threshold as well.~
I hope you find happiness again before you have to reach the same decision as me. I have never had it to lose. I could never find someone whom I related to enough to bond with. Everyone has the potential to change the world. Make sure you’ve exhausted all of your resources before you decide if ending it is the right decision.
Hi! Wow it’s my first time in a site like this..is this place for real? Do people who write on here actually kill themselves afterward? Does anybody reach out to thse people? is this monitored by somebody whoo intervenes to help?
@LaliDV This website is dedicated to all aspects of suicide. Suicidal people, suicide survivors, people who have been directly effected by suicide, such as losing a loved one. Some people do reach out and try to prevent it. As for my gender… I am all of both but neither one. I am unable to relate to a gender, unable to decide exactly what it is that I am.
Dear Nephilim_Sancti, R u a guy or girl? I’m a girl I’m 27 as well…please don’t go through with it…i don’t believe in coincidences and tonight for some reason i ended up on here as well…where r u from? I’m from California…would you like to get to talk? get to know each other? There’s always that one special person out there that will just love u for who u r no questions asked and nothing in return. 🙂
Hey, I’m telling you that you can’t do this. I’m not letting you. I care about you too much. I know I’m a stranger, but now you are tied to me and you cannot go, ok?
@leiferikson I am tied to people who actually do care about me, people who know me. 😛 Yet here I am, still ready to go. This isn’t about them, and they’ll have to learn to understand that. This is about me being trapped inside a dark place that I cannot get out of. They can’t pull me out. I can’t pull myself out. I’ve been through a lot and I don’t want to go through any more. I’ve never had a desire to live to an old age.
Yeah same here we can even talk on the phone tonight if u like i know that helps a lot i was so sad n depressed today felt all alone in this world but had one good friend in another country i just grabbed the phone and thank God i did
That’s fine I guess doesn’t matter as long as ur human lol seriously would u like to talk?
We can, but I’m not much of a conversationalist. All I have is Windows Live Messenger. P.S: I’m still debating whether or not I am human, as well. 😛
Me and you are very much alike. The whole time I was reading your post I was like, “Yes! That’s totally me!”
It probably isn’t just you and I, but multitudes who feel this way. It’s hard to find good people. They are very few, and so very far between. 1 out of 100 isn’t a decent enough ratio. I used to think I could change people, mold them into what I thought was good… I’ve come to realize that what I think is good- is just an opinion. Honor is dead. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen, right? So, I want to leave the kitchen.
@Nephillim_Sancti, yes death is honor. I’d rather die than be a sorry ass mother f****.
Secretly I pretend I’m a samurai. 🙂
I thought of Samurais when I read your comment :D.
Well I’ll get one so we can chat on there…ill let u know my username as soon as I have one 🙂
Mine is pretty simple to remember.. It’s my email. Just below my name there.