Never found these kind of sites remotely interesting before, but thought I’d give it a try..
For about a year now I’ve had thoughts of killing myself, but they were only thoughts.. Lately they’ve become more than that.
I have about 3 or 4 people I call close friends, but I only ever tell one of them anything that really matters. Recently I told that person that I was contemplating overdosing and he told me that if I was ever doing any of those drugs, even if I wasn’t ODing, he’d come get me.  Today I was at the beach and all day with 5 or 6 odd people and all I could think about was finding away to leave and freak out on my own for a while. Eventually I found a way and i basically felt nauseous, dizzy  and I couldn’t breath. I stayed that way for about 10-25 mins until he came and found me. Of course I said I was fine as soon as he saw me. I wanted to tell him, but then he said that he thought I was proving a point about him coming to find me if i was high… After that I just couldn’t tell him. I don’t really know why. so for the rest of the day  tried to breath and smoked to try and relieve some of that tension. Didn’t work. So now I’m home and I feel the same way.  Now I just want to OD more. It’s not death I’m scared of, it’s what comes after. Venting like this feels really weird to me. This is just one scenario, but there’s no one i have the guts to ask for anything. So this is all I’ve got for the time being.
14 comments
What is it you want to ask for?
I don’t freak out, ever. And if I do, no one sees it. He’s the only person I’d ever let that happen around… I’m just terrified that he’ll see it as a weakness (because honestly, that’s what I see it as) and that he’ll get tired of me. There’s 3 people in existence that truely matter to me n he’s one of them. A lot of my close family have died. I can’t afford to lose him too. Him and my mother are the only reasons I haven’t ODed yet. What I want is for someone to need me in their liife. But there’s only one person who does, my mother, but that’s different.
Coincidentally, a friend of mine carries the same line of thought. Seeing that it brought you here, makes me worried.
How so does this friend carry the same thought train? I was brought up seeing my mother work through load after load of pain. To this day life still hasn’t broken her. So I will always be strong for other people. It sounds cliche but I really would rather ignor myself and help someone else if I had to make the choice. I do look after myself though. As best i can anyway.
And I’m curious to know if there is a particular reason that this worries you?
It worries me because I didn’t realize the importance of that moment – when someone reveals their vulnerabilities. Not that I made my friend regret it. It’s trust I’ve been given, right?
Anyway, I’m taking long to reply to you because I’m more emotionally invested now.
Exact same! A strong face..
Again, anyway. Everyone says to not hinge on feeling needed. It can get one into unsavory situations. And..
I’m lost for words now.. I don’t know. If you want something, don’t be afraid to grab it.
It’s fine that you take a while, everyone has to prioritise.
Yes, it’s trust that I’ve been given you.
Even when I was a child I was very private about my reasons and emotions, it’s only grown as I’ve gotten older. I’m 16 by the way. I know that seems like a naive age, but I’m not stupid, I know what I believe in and I stand by my values. People that know me say I’m mature for my age and I hope that I am. So that I’m at this point now is not just because of vain teenage stress.
Thankyou by the way. I don’t think I can write how much a appreciate this.
Everyone reaches that point again and again. How you cope with it, measures maturity. Disclosing to him can turn out well or badly. It really all depends.. You’ll have to ask yourself if it’s worth the risk.
I’m glad to lend an ear. I believe you.
KF?
If you’re really that close to your friends maybe you should talk to them about this stuff, and what ever you do, please don’t overdose it will not work.
Ill tell you something.I oded a couple days ago.almost died for the first time i wa scared as hell i didnt even resist at the er.I was to week.I had to keep my eyes open cause i was afraid if i did id be gone and i like you while i never had been afraid of dying.In that moment i wondered what happens next.The pills i used wont say the name.i never thought theyd bring me so close to death.I used to think i was invincible and couldnt die until the last few days.I still want to die but i think a lot more that if i do this then what becomes of me after.Will i be forced to watch the world deteriorate because of me.I want to be able to save myself before i die of suicide in the meantime all i can do is try and make sure people know my story and realizes you can die from suicide and before that you will feel like i do you will be scared at one point its just what comes what death and in those last moments you willl want to turn back and at that point it will be to late