Strongly considering ending it all

Hi all,

There’s something wrong with me. I’m not entirely sure what it is, but I know it’s there.  I’ve always been different, weird, and I don’t really fit in anywhere. I’ve known this my whole life. All through primary school, all through high school, I was bullied, beaten, victimized, ridiculed. I don’t even blame those people or the system; it’s just the way things are for someone who is different.  All of that was many many years ago and has no bearing on my decisions today, I’m just using it to highlight that I’ve always known I’ve been different.

I know I have anger problems. I’m quick to anger, and I make assumptions about people when I shouldn’t. I’m a very emotional person and I feel things very intensely. Love, hate, depression.

I’ve had a few girlfriends in my life; not many, but some. None of them have lasted over 5 months. It’s like I can draw people in with looks, my fake charm and charisma, but as soon as people figure out what I’m like on the inside, they’re disgusted with me and can’t stand me, can’t wait to dump me. It’s a pattern that just keeps on recurring, the latest happening just today, and the only conclusion that I can draw is that I’m the problem. I can’t keep living like this.

I’m comfortable with the thought of suicide, I want to die, but I have no idea how to do it, or how to find the courage to go through with it. I’ve strongly thought about it at many points in my life, but one thing that’s always stopped me is the impact it will have on my family. I know they’ll be devastated, and I just feel so selfish doing that to them. I’ve written my note……but what’s next? And how do I justify hurting my family like that? It’s so much harder than I thought.