This is a pretty fucked up story, but, I suppose  being fucked up is a prerequisite for this website. I’ve had a pretty shitty life. I won’t say that it’s any shittier than anyone else’s, but it’s been pretty fucking shitty as far as I’m concerned.
I’m 27, female, married. Victim of childhood sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse. Victim of domestic abuse, and incest as an adult.
When I was a child, my father molested me, so my mother left him, and married a man 20 times worse than my father was. My stepfather would beat us until we couldn’t stand, and handcuff us to the bed so we wouldn’t run away. We were constantly told how we were ugly, and how we’d never amount to anything. My mother used to chase me around the house with a belt, and up scream at me to stay away from “her babies” like I wasn’t one of her children. When she’d get mad, she rub their dirty diapers in my face, or scream at me that she should have aborted me when she had the chance. I wish she would have too.
I left home as a teenager, and eventually met my real father. I figured that since my mother was so psycho, that she had made up everything she told me about my father molesting me, just to hurt me and make me feel worthless. I was wrong. 2 years into knowing me, my father got me drunk and seduced me. I can’t say he raped me at all. I was so hungry for love, I enjoyed it, and we had a sexual relationship for 2 years, off and on. I felt like I was on top of the world, until he decided he needed to devote more time to his wife (which was true and healthy) but he just left me hanging. We never talked about it, and he would barely hug me, or spend any time with me, and even before the sexual relationship had started, we had been best friends. I didn’t care about losing the sex so much, as I did losing my best friend.
Then I got married, and my husband started verbally abusing me, and shoving me around if he didn’t get his way. When I went to visit my father to hide out from my husband, my father started touching me sexually again. And I let him, and enjoyed it, but my heart was breaking at the same time. That’s all he wants me for. Just sex.
I’m 100 pounds overweight, and between my weight, and the abuse of my childhood, I can’t have children.
I’ve been on pretty much every medication in the book for depression. They work in the sense that they make me hopeful, but I don’t want to hope that my husband won’t treat me badly anymore, or that my parents love me, Â or that I might someday have a family. It’s all a lie, and when I realize that it’s all a lie, it hurts even worse.
I don’t know how I’ll kill myself yet, but the two most attractive options are suffocating myself in my car, or hanging myself. The car is my first choice, to be honest. I don’t know what to do, and I’m worried that I will go to hell for killing myself. Or maybe I’m already there.
4 comments
Your story IS pretty terrible, I can’t imagine having a soiled diaper smeared on any part of a persons body much less the face.
Everyone here at SP has had some issue that leads us to search the internet and we found this site. Your in the right place to express your hurt and pain.
If you choose to stick around and not end your life, this site can possibly give you a different perspective of what you have faced and are facing in your life.
Personnally I just got out of a psych ward for med management and am feeling better. I too went thru some childhood abuse, verbally and sexually. The molester was not a family member though.
Have you tried any self help meetings for survivors of incest (even though you were an adult) when it happen ?
Nowheretorun,
I have read your post twice. I literally stopped every distraction around me and put 100% focus on each of your words you have typed here. I am so sorry you had to experience that as a child- as you still are. Be careful on who you let into your life, somewheretorun, because there are the ones that can really hurt you- they can ALSO be the ones to help you. I am not religious, but I am trying to connect with God. A good friend of mine, who is bridging the gap between me and God, told me that the only path from suicide IS hell. Haven’t that sad, I too think that my life is a living Hell– It’s really hard for me to try to give you advice on your thoughts without sounding like a hypocrite; but have you tried talking about your thoughts/feelings to someone in person? That may help you a lot if you haven’t already~
Sincerely,
-Nobody
It’s hard for me to comprehend incest but I am sorry it went that way for you. it’s so must be unhealthy for the mind. Maybe you should let new good people in your life and start discarding the ones that are not good for you like your own dad. The best to you.
You have every right to be sad… I cant imagine what it must be like.. … I hope a true form of happiness enters your life.
Thank you for sharing its not much but i offer my time when you need to talk
HollywoodHero